Whimsical Lair - The World Through My Eyes

New iPhone

2012-01-17T20:10:00.001+08:00

Just downloaded the blogger app on my new iPhone and am testing it out. So far iPhone has managed to embarrass me with its autocorrect countless times.

My blackberry totally died on its own over the weekend, not even giving me time to save all my contacts so I am left an orphan at the moment.

My dear friends could you kindly PM me your hand phone numbers... For those who have already done so I M truly appreciative.

What a start to the bright new year..

Aging

2011-12-01T12:56:00.002+08:00

No one is spared deteoriation of the physical body through the passage of time.

It is but a matter of... time. LOL (pun intended)

I recently met someone through a friend who in turn related back to me the one and only comment he made of me. "She looks old." *HORRORS*

OMG when did I start looking OLD!??!?!!

*sobs in a corner*

All my life I rarely put on make up. Or even dress up. I usually just fit myself in whatever that is comfortable. But with age came the paunch, the slowing down of the metabolism, the drooping of places you don't want to droop due to gravity, the wrinkles where it used to be supple. *sighs*

And the lack of exercise and weight gaining also adds time to the face.

So I have started putting on make up, bother looking in the mirror before I go out and I shall try my best to lose as much weight as I can before I start exercising religiously again.

I vow to do this with DISCIPLINE. That's the most important vow to make as part of my new year resolutions...

So here, the before and after some slab of make up.

Big difference?

Looking back with a smile

2011-11-17T15:15:00.000+08:00

Was rummaging through my jewelery box the other day, guess what I found?

My old wedding ring....

Engraved on the underside of the band was the name of my ex husband and the date of our matrimony... September 2005. (For the benefit of those who do not know, we separated end 2007 and officially divorced sometime in 2008/2009) He has a similar one with my name on it... Had rather... am quite certain he would not keep that momento.

Felt awashed with memories, and ironically most of what I remember of him were happy ones. With him smiling and laughing with me. Despite the obvious problems between us as a man and a woman... I actually thought we had a lot of fun together, more like friends. We did have a lot of things we enjoyed doing together, and loads of laughter. We played video games / computer games together a lot! It is a pity we couldn't have remained friends... Similar tastes in food...

But fact of life remains that when a relationship between a man and a woman turns sour, not many couples (or ex in this case) could recapture the friendship that were had before. What more he has someone new (+2) in his life, I guess I can understand how that would have been impossible! I certainly would not want my IKK to be close friends with his ex! O.o

I do wonder though, how my life would have been today if I had stuck it out despite my frustration and unhappiness at that time? If we had stuck it out, we would have been married over 6 years! How time flies... Then again, we had very different ideas of what we wanted in a relationship and the frustration of not being able to communicate with ease made everything... impossible.

Just a random thought...

Thankfully to date, I have never regretted our decision to walk a different path. I think I have grown in many ways... and learnt a lot from him. And from our mistakes together...

I am looking back at him, at us. And I smile. I truly wish him and his well and will pray for their continued happiness. :)

A blog post by an ex

2011-11-14T13:03:00.001+08:00

Haven't been updating my blog in ages...

Was surfing the net the other day and I came across one of my ex's blog (long abandoned). I wonder how he is. There will always be someone in your life that you can never quite forget aye? The ex he mentions in his post on Dec 12, 2006 (below) refers to me.

It has been so many years... Think the last time I saw him was in 2008. I hope he is well. I have not made any amendments to his narration (though the OCD me is itching to correct the typos).

Confessions

Current mood: relieved

I met up with an ex today. She was having some issues and needed someone to listen. So for the 1st time in a long while, i dropped everything and went. Now personally i have no idea why she chose me to talk, perhaps the distance and someone outside her circle helps.

Basically the issue is about communication and perhaps understanding. In my honest opinion is neither one of the above as one search deeper. Personally i feel its about wants and needs. From there stems expectations. With expectations hence feelings of contemptment and frustrations as one's expectations is not met.

I feel that once a choice is made, one has to follow things thru.. good or bad. Closure is very important. She did ask me if she was such a hard person to live with. In my case and my experience with her, it was very tiring. You see.. emotions often conflict with logic, the word commonly used byb most people "follow your heart" which means you do whatever you feel like doing. There is a saying , "the heart has its reasons; wherefore reasons knows nothing". Sadly we live in a life that .. well dont usually work out as things are intended. Everything has a cause and effect.

I dont know if she took my words to heart. But i think i made closure on my side. I explained the reasons why i left her. I live my life based on logic, it is very rarely i show any emotions. I have to be as my life is brought up as such. I know nothing else.. which sometimes i feel its a shame. Sometimes i feel empty as everything i do is calculated and planned. True, it would be the right thing to do, but yet.. the human heart needs more. It doesnt matter if she accepted or even understood my explaination of things. No doubt my narration could not fully project what my actions or even my justifications are, yet i feel its good enough for me.

My advise to her and to anyone is to apprieciate what u have. Wanting too much would cause too much grief, and the sacrifices one has to go thru to achive what you want, may not be something one can live with.

I will be wandering again i believe, but i think i'll be fine. At the end of the day i am on a quest for answers. Even if i dont get what i want.. i would like to have said, at least i tried. I just hope that my ex would find what she wants, which i believe she has. Perhaps she has to understand that furfilling her needs would be most important in her life rather than be like me, always on a quest, looking and searching but never finding.

Missing in Action...

2011-10-18T18:56:00.000+08:00

I have been neglecting my blog for a while now.

Many things going on in my life, some good, some bad.

The bad was really bad, I actually went to see two different lawyers for two different matters.

One to ascertain the degree of difficulty for me to extricate myself from an undesirable position.

Another because of some false accusations levied against me. It eventually died down, probably because the ladies in question realised how much of a fool they were to even try to threaten in the first place.

The good... is good.

I feel alive again. ^^

Here's a camwhore pic just so to annoy you:

Monologue from Namewee

2011-09-28T19:02:00.001+08:00

A reporter from Utusan made some groundless remarks in her article, Namewee retaliated with this youtube video. You can watch it here. I have tried to translate what he said per se as best I can. :) His video is punctuated with a lot profanities (which I have obviously censored) and compounded with a lot of visual and sound effects that translated humour despite his obvious rant.

I don't necessarily agree with his choice to retaliate in such a manner, but he does have a point. Could have been delivered in a more finese way, but at least we know he is speaking through his heart rather than through a mask. :)

Hello, my name is Namewee. I am the director of Nasi Lemak 2.0.

I read in the papers today (Utusan Malaysia). One person (reporter) wrote in the papers that many people gave great reviews of the movie Nasi Lemak 2.0, but she would never go and watch and urges everyone not to go as well.

He says that the director, Namewee insults Malaysia and Malaysians. He used to write songs, used to blah blah.

Last time, last time what? Last time police wear shorts, last time people commute with bicycles. Now we travel with what? Airasia!

All the songs I wrote are patriotic. Do you understand what the song is about, do you even understand the lyrics? If you don’t understand, what the (profanity) are you accusing me about? Last time, last time who and what did I insult (profanity)? I ask people not to be racist. I ask people to do their work properly. I support 1Malaysia cannot?

Artistes of Malay, Chinese and Indians descent came together with combined efforts in this movie, isn’t it? The article you wrote without having ever seen the movie, do you think you are professional? Do you have brains? Newspaper such as this is an insult to Malaysia and Malaysians.

If you want to review movies you must first go see the movie. If you don’t watch, what are you reviewing? (profanity) If you don’t have money I will give you money, I will give you 2 tickets for you to go with your girlfriend to go watch together.

Rubbish newspaper!

Rubbish!

Plague of society! (I dunno how to translate this properly...)

Rubbish reporter!

You write only. You have a pen, you have a keyboard, you think you are a reporter already? (profanity)

(profanity)

The legal minister already confirmed that there is no case against me. If you want to hate me, hate me in your heart. How can you write such accusations in the newspaper?

I have a degree in mass communication. You don’t bluff me think I have never eaten durian before.

A newspaper is for reporting. REPORTING. You judge people based on what?

Not write for your own pleasure. Where is your certificate from? Drain?

If you don’t know what it means to be reporter, you should go back to school. You, along with your boss and your friends to go back to school first.

You think other newspapers are stupid? When they report, they report based on facts. Their review may be critical of the script or the artistes, but that is okay because they review after they watch the movie.

You? Have you ever researched? Always harping on the negative. Think you are smart? Syiok ah? (I really don’t know how to translate this exclamation).

Leaders (with a very dubious question mark?)

2011-09-28T09:30:00.000+08:00

There are two types of leaders in this world. One who seeks to motivate and edify you, and one who finds glory in criticising and humiliating you.

So which type are you? Or which type do you aspire to be?

Busy Time...

2011-09-20T18:19:00.000+08:00

So my "fan" tells me I should update my blog.

So I shall.

It is really a very busy time for me now. I have learnt as a third party, how when people fight, bystanders are the ones who are burnt the most.

Not a new concept, but am feeling it especially strongly now.

I am quite, quite exhausted. Just amazing what people do to others for the damnedest reasons... saving of face most especially prominent. I need to learn the art of saying things that people wants to hear without bending the truth too much.

Thank God for small mercies. Other than work everything's hunky dory. My second sister safely gave birth to a baby girl on the 18th of September. So we now have members of the family with birthday that lands on all the 8s in September. 8th September me, 18th September my niece, 28th September my cousin.

And she was housed in a room numbered with the last two digits of my birth year. Time to buy Magnum, Toto and all the lotteries in this world? ahhaha.

I shall take my colleague's advise and pray daily to all the Gods in the world to please distance me from people who will give me trouble.

And I shall attempt to gain karma points by praying for the soul of those who needs the prayers most.

Threats

2011-08-25T10:16:00.001+08:00

I can never understand why men can never learn a little respect when speaking to women!

How many freaking times have I said stop trying to be suggestive when talking to me! No matter what you do, NO YOU ARE NOT GONNA SCORE WITH ME!?! So PISS OFF!!

Cannot understand is it?!

And which woman in this world will take a rape threat likely?

You freaking asshole! Bumbling idiot! Here girls becareful if you know this guy:

Update:

Oh oh my friend suggested this "u can suggest to him, go market buy fresh sotong, tkae out d head n stuff his dick inside..d feeling is still d same like pussy..hahahaha"

haha. apt.

Do you have a favourite facial feature?

2011-08-24T12:05:00.000+08:00

So the other day I was asking Ichigo Kappu Keki (IKK) which part of my facial features he found most appealing. He gave me a pained look, and said politically correctly "I don't have a feature that I particularly like, but I think you look alright everything combined".

So I was like LOL, really? Usually people like my lips or my smile...

He grimaced and said... your lips and smile looks like Jar Jar...

Me: Jar Jar?!?! As in BinkS?!!??!

Him: *giggles*

*slap forehead*

In case you don't know who Jar Jar Binks is.... I shall show you...

My Journey: Furnishing the Condo Part 2

2011-08-24T11:21:00.000+08:00

Time really flies, it has been almost a year since my last attempt to furnish the condo.

Guess my financial priorities was elsewhere to date! Little has changed since my last attempt sometime in November of last year. Though I now have a proper tv cabinet and a hanging cabinet to match. From Ikea too as it turns out, the tv cabinet being a gift from my generous second sister. And yes, white too!

Can't find the white version, think they don't make 'em anymore. But mine's white

I made some attempt at furnishing my condo again lately. Got a little tired of looking at the same things over and over I reckon. Yes - some ikea stuff as well. I have been eyeing this Expedit bookcase for a long long time. Several reasons why I never bought it (1) It is rather pricey. (2) It is rather bulky (3) The white colour does not match the shiny laminated white tv cabinet (4) Reluctant to change the colour scheme of my condo...

But voila, figured some dashes of black may look nice in my predominantly white washed condo.

Finished this at 3 a.m. last night with help from Ichigo Kapu Keki (love) (love)

I booked this couch in chilli red... should arrive in about a month ^^

Long belated, been looking high and low for a super comfy couch that I can lust over since forever. This is long enough for me to lie flat on it, and it feels super duper soft - fantastic!

I am still shopping for the small bits and pieces to make a house into a home, you know?

It feels great. :)

Rurouni Kenshin: Live Action Movie

2011-08-18T15:29:00.000+08:00

Most people who knows me well knows I have a certain love affair (obsession!) with anime.

One of my all time love is Rurouni Kenshin (I think I have never watched any other anime more times than this one). In fact, I never got off my bum to blog about other animes that I was fascinated with other than for this anime. I shall not go on and on about this (though I really want to), you could read about that here.

Anyway the point is this... they are coming up with a live action movie of this series!! (The anime has a total of 95 episodes by the way). I am so excited, it is scheduled to be released probably mid to end 2012... I just can't wait! This was announced way back end June 2011 but as usual I am a little "lagging" to announce it on my blog...

It will be produced by Warner Bros, directed by Keishi Otomo. The designated actors:

Emi Takei as Kaoru, pretty mou?

Takeru Sato as my beloved Kenshin...

Can't wait, can't wait...

How symmetrical is your face?

2011-08-17T17:02:00.001+08:00

So I saw this article.

Got me really curious as to how symmetrical my face is. So I went to this site to try.

Here's the result (please excuse the extremely unflattering shot, you have been forewarned):

Result: not that symmetrical after all.

Surprise, surprise. Haha.

Nasi Lemak 2.0

2011-08-11T15:33:00.001+08:00

I am really looking forward to this movie, set to hit the cinemas on September 8, 2011. Incidentally, it opens on my birthday! ^^

This movie is 100% Malaysian made, scripted, directed and acted by the controversial Namewee. I have long been following his progress since his announcement of his intention to seek a grant from Finas to produce a movie under the "1 Malaysia" concept.

Sadly, as always in this country, when one is not of a bumi status, he failed to obtain the grant. What really touched me was the fact that he never gave up. And after 2 years, he has now produced his movie from his limited budget.

He makes me feel ashamed of being one of the bovines, moving left and right as nudged. What is 1Malaysia if there will always be a segregation of the races? What is 1Malaysia if we the silent majority continues to be silent and accept the unfairness? What is 1Malaysia if the discrimination becomes worse and not better? The spirit behind all that was done are conveniently hidden, and eventually forgotten. What was once a benefit now becomes an entitlement...

I will strongly support his movie, if not for the movie itself, for what it represents. I pray for peace and I pray for change.

You can see the trailer of this controversial movie here.

P/S: If you didn't notice the link to this post, let me nudge nudge you to listen to the song. :)

P/SS: Oh ya one more thing, if you are in Melbourne, you can also watch this. Check it out on his facebook page!

Blogging - is there a "point" to it?

2011-08-08T16:04:00.000+08:00

It has been ever so long since I properly blogged. Perhaps I have been lacking inspiration. To say I have no time is no different from saying that I have been lazy really. If one wants to do something, by hook or by crook time will be allocated to do just that, no?

Today I am slightly inspired to ask this question... Why do people blog? I notice that most blogs usually have a general theme. Do we really need a "point" to blog? Why do you read someone's blog? Because there is a point to the blog? LOL. Just thought that was a curious question to be asked.

Some people probably wonder what's up with the posting of lyrics of songs... Just in case you haven't quite figured it out already, I treat this blog as a form of an "online journal" to express my thoughts, memories and at times, emotions. When you see lyrics it is likely what is playing round and round in my head or my heart. So technically, the posting of the lyrics is a form of expression on my part.

I tend to blog little of what is going on in my life at present, and have always preferred to blog about what is in the past. Perhaps you would disagree, but I do think that the only thing that remains constant and are certain are things and events of the past (even then, only up to a certain extent since even the past will change with the blurring of memory and the change in opinion). Thereby I see no reason to blog (narratively) about the uncertainty of what is going on in my life now. The lyrics perhaps, are a representation of my current thoughts and emotions. So I share them on this blog.

Blogging perhaps in a sense creates a timestamp on events that will eventually fade from our memories... Some, when relived could potentially give a different point of view? I don't know about most people, but I do like sometimes to re-read what I have written over the years. Whether in a form of a blog, journal or even short stories/poems that I wrote when I was young. It gives me a sense of curiousity and sometimes understanding of the person that I was that made me the person that I am today. Sometimes it even makes me laugh, especially those I wrote about what I felt about my ex bfs whilst I was dating them. I was a little too... illustrative I think. haha. Sure gives me goosebumps. No, I won't share. Don't ask. :P

I sometimes re-read the love letters I received from my ex-es too... I don't think they will thank me if I shared even one line. hahaha. And yes, I keep EVERYTHING. hahahahahahahhahahaha. So my ex-es better be nice to me. :)

I don't actually blog with the readers of my blog in mind (like other bloggers who actually make money out of it does). I write just because I like to look at how I form sentences perhaps? Ha-Ha. But to have readers does give me a sense of satisfaction - people actually like the crap that I churn out.

Hmm. I really don't think I have a point to make with my blog. More of a vent chute I think... Then again, that in a way is a point too no? Hee.

Piggy

2011-08-08T11:12:00.000+08:00

I couldn't stop laughing when I got this. Rather sweet, but quite "wat tat" (ugly but adorable) also right? haha.

Since permission is granted to publish this, so I shall.

Tee hee.

I Believe - Tata Young

2011-07-22T16:08:00.000+08:00

I feel the heat around me

I feel the beat surrounds me
Could this be for real, I wonder

No need for hesitation
It’s time for celebration
Will this be the night I’ve waited for

When angels fall in love
Heaven knows, does it show, oh
If this love, will last for eternity
Set me on fire

* I believe, I believe in love

And like the stars above
They shine, let it shine over me
Set me free I believe in you
And that our love is true

Oh I believe, I believe

I see that people dancing
Boys and girls romancing
They want this to last forever

Cause underneath the moonlight
Everything is alright
We’re reaching our hands up in the air

To where the souls alive
Heaven knows, that it shows oh
If this love, will last for eternity
Set me on fire

(*)

How could I doubt, what was meant to be
Everything I needed was in front of me
Your healing touch, will lift me up in the sky, so high

(*)

Emotional Rollercoaster

2011-07-20T15:33:00.002+08:00

What goes up...

Must come down.

I think I need more sleep...

只想一生跟你走 - Jacky Cheung

2011-07-18T17:46:00.001+08:00

共你有过最美的邂逅
共你有过一些风雨忧愁
共你醉过痛过的最后
但我发觉想你不能没有

在你每次抱怨的眼眸
像我永远不懂给你温柔
别再诉说我俩早已分手
像你教我伤心依然未够

但你没带走
梦里的所有
让你走
为何让你看不透

但求你未淡忘往日旧情
我愿默然带着泪流
很想一生跟你走

就算天边海角多少改变
一生只有风中追究
不想孤单地逗留

但求你未淡忘往日旧情
我愿默然带着泪流
很想一生跟你走

在我心中的你思海的你
今生不可不能没有

A Walk in the Meadows...

2011-07-14T11:10:00.000+08:00

Isn't it amazing how simple and yet how complicated the feeling of love can be?

How it fuels strength in you, and you feel that you can do just about anything?

When you wake up in the morning, your face is plastered with a smile and you are ready to face the world no matter how harsh that reality is?

How little butterflies churn in your stomach, as you anticipate seeing that person again? How your eyes light up just with a smile?

When I close my eyes, I see myself walking in the meadows, with wind blowing in my hair. My heart beat accelerates, his hand in mine. And I am smiling.

Missing You...

2011-07-12T19:10:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it has been so long since I even thought about you.

Will you forgive me?

I still pray for you...

Be well.

Bersih 2.0

2011-07-12T18:58:00.000+08:00

If you had read my previous post on politics, you may be aware that I never truly felt a sense of identity as a "Malaysian".

The Bersih 2.0 rally on July 9th, 2011 changed that. I never felt us, as a nation, truly united as one before. On this one day, Malaysians all over the world came together to show support for a cause that has now taken root strongly in my heart - clean and fair elections which will eventually lead to the right to BE a Rakyat.

Though some crazed fanatics tried to turn this into a racial issue, I am so so glad that we have proven that despite our silence in the past, we are one and truly are peace loving and united as Malaysians.

I see an impending change that no amount of repression can ever curtail.

I look forward to being proud to be Malaysian.

Too Serious Too Soon - Gareth Gates

2011-07-08T16:51:00.000+08:00

I wonder where you were

I wonder what you're thinking about tonight
I wonder

Maybe you're alone
Maybe you’ve been crying just like me
I wonder

I don’t know why I lost your touch
Maybe I wanted to be loved too much

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

I told you every day
I told you every night in every way
I love you

Maybe you got scared
Maybe I have nothing else to say
But I love you

So baby now my life’s a mess
Cause i’m
Cos I couldn’t love you any less

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

Too soon
It’s not right
It’s not fair
It’s in you baby cuts like a knife
What if you were the love of my life

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
We got too serious to soon
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before

Too serious too soon
I wanted you to love me

It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

How does it feel...

2011-07-06T16:42:00.002+08:00

To share the same working space with your very fussy boss?

Answer: Damned uncomfortable!

Back to the Wall

2011-07-04T18:36:00.001+08:00

God I am turning into a monster again.

Please grace me with patience.

So busy, temper is short. :(

Trust...

2011-06-30T10:22:00.003+08:00

Get a grip.

:)

Unbreak my Heart - Toni Braxton

2011-06-27T18:34:00.000+08:00

Don't leave me in all this pain

Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away

I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life

Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away

I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life

Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life

Un-cry this tears
I cried so many, many nights
Un-break my
Un-break my heart oh baby

Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on....

Fear of... love?

2011-06-22T17:21:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder whether I am subconsciously suffering from fear of real love and of lasting relationships...

It seems the trend for me to choose one with whom I know will never last. Those that I know I can develop something more (like a life together maybe?) I usually run find many reasons to refuse...

A life like mine, 命带桃花, most people (especially people who do not get much attention from the opposite sex) are usually envious. But I say it again and again to those who care to understand... Be careful of what you wish for. A life like that is a curse for you will always be surrounded by many, but not held by a single one.

Perhaps it stems from the fear of failure...

Sighs.

Almost Here - Bryan McFadden

2011-06-21T18:36:00.000+08:00

Really love the song... Bryan McFadden CD... here I come :D

Did I hear you right
'Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over

You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where a love once shined so bright
Came without a reason

Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough

But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me

Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough

But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you, you're almost here
(Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you)
And when I hold you, you're almost here
(Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)

(Now I'm with you, I'm close to tears
'Cause I know I'm almost here)
Only almost here

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

2011-06-21T15:15:00.000+08:00

Someone asked me to listen to this. The lyrics are quite touching. So do you believe that love conquers all?

They asked me how I knew

My true love was true
Oh, I of course replied
Something here inside cannot be denied

They said someday you'll find
All who love are blind
Oh, when your heart's on fire
You must realize
Smoke gets in your eyes

So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed
To think they could doubt my love
Yet today my love has flown away
I am without my love

Now laughing friends deride
Tears I can not hide
Oh, so I smile and say
When a lovely flame dies
Smoke gets in your eyes

Smoke gets in your eyes

追- Leslie Cheung

2011-06-17T14:57:00.002+08:00

This song makes me want to reach for what is important, but fear to reach out for. The link is a youtube MV that has an English translation of what the lyrics mean (it's not too great but the gist is there).

這一生　也在進取　這分鐘　卻掛念誰

我會說　是唯獨你不可失去
好風光　似幻似虛　誰明人生樂趣
我會說　為情為愛　仍然是對

*   誰比你重要　成功了敗了也完全無重要
    誰比你重要　狂風與暴雨都因你燃燒

** 一追再追　只想追趕生命裡一分一秒
     原來多麼可笑　你是真正目標
    一追再追　追蹤一些生活最基本需要
    原來早不缺少　wohhh

有了你　即使平凡卻最重要

好光陰　縱沒太多　一分鐘那又如何
會與你　共同渡過　都不枉過
瘋戀多　錯誤更多　如能從新做過
我會說　願能為你　提前做錯

Repeat * once
Repeat ** twice

wohhh 只得你　會叫我彷彿人群裡最重要
有了你　即使沈睡了　也在笑

Honour Your Wife

2011-06-13T17:44:00.001+08:00

I read this in a blog... And I guess deep down inside, this is what I want in a man. To be with a man who knows the meaning of such unconditional love. Or at least, he strives for this ideal. No men is perfect. And I do think that the gender should be inter-changeable in this context.

Honour Her...

Maritally - be a one woman man
Physically - don't hit her, do not abuse her
Emotionally - communicate, understand each other
Verbally - speak respectfully
Financially - work your goddamned ass off to support your family! if you will be selfish, don't marry!
Practically - be practical, have a plan for the future!
Parentally - love your children, honour them too
Spiritually - pray together

Considering how I need life to be a little interesting ... seems a difficult combination mm? ;)

I miss you...

2011-06-07T10:50:00.000+08:00

When I am sad, when I am happy,
When I am confused, when I am certain,
I still wish I could share with you,
All that I am.

I miss you...

Busy Time...

2011-05-26T16:11:00.000+08:00

I have been so busy lately...

Still thinking of you though.

Be well...

Today I Feel...

2011-05-18T16:34:00.000+08:00

‎*inserts an emoticon banging its head on a wall with blood splattering all over*

Because my tolera-no-meter has reached its limit.

Need a break.

Love and Infidelity

2011-05-06T16:26:00.001+08:00

I have many friends who seemingly are in a happy marriage / relationship. They are always so lovey dovey with their respective half. So happy when they are together.

Yet these same male friends for one reason or the other chooses to divulge their dirty little secrets to me (the females rarely do, perhaps cause they have nothing to "gain" or even potentially "gain" from it by doing so). Hoping probably that I would be interested to join their "fun". Most of these men have confessed to me, at some point or the other that they have cheated on their girlfriends/wives, or... they would like to. Those of the latter category is reluctant not because of the love they have for their girlfriends/wives, but out of fear that they would be found out.

Given the opportunity, I think 98.99% men would stray (think kinda fair to give a 1.01% allowance?). At least those that I know... But as always, there ARE exceptions to the rule... Perhaps it is the nature of all male beasts... to spread their seed to as many females and as such always hunting so they have a "harem" to hump.

I do not know whether I should feel envious or sorry for the women in such situation, where on the surface, she has the perfect man. One who loves her, provides well for her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but yet without her knowledge would indulge himself any way he sees fit...

The same mouth who speaks kindly and lovingly to her, who pledges his loyalty and heart to her. The same man who attends church with her, who believes wholeheartedly in his religion... Yet beneath the surface... not only fantasises what the religion will deem "sinful", but indulges in it.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss? Or perhaps women have now come to accept the situation, "so long as he comes home"? How far will one accept such blatant display of disrespect to love? Do you draw the line at flirtation, a wink here and there. Or nudity? Or all the way? So long as he comes home? Hmmm...

Many male friends accuses me of finding reasons and excuses not to maintain or even start a relationship with a man. And defensively points out that women today cheats more than men does. Does two wrongs make one right my dear friends?

Based on what I have seen, do you really blame me?

I am unable to accept disloyalty... Or perhaps I am possessive? To me, it is more the former... The cynical tells me I live in a dream.

Yes, perhaps I will never find what I seek. But better that than to live a life of betrayal and heartbreak... I will never betray the one I love, therefore all I am willing to accept is the same from my partner. Don't think that would change .... ever.

Just random thoughts as I browse through the photo album of one such male friend that he posted on facebook... Seemingly displaying to the world how much he loves her.... How he indulges her, taking her on trips... Gifts that he provides... The blatant public display of affection...

And just last night he was saying to me... *shake head* No doubt he said it only out of lust. The more impossible for a player to get the woman, the more he would want her. What would she feel if she ever found out exactly what he has been doing, or has been saying to other women (I definitely believe it to be in the plural)? Would she feel betrayed? Let's just assume nothing comes out of the "talks". Can she accept this?

I think I really feel sorry for her. Ignorance is truly bliss.

Paragraphs / Lines in Posts on Blogger

2011-05-06T12:09:00.000+08:00

I wonder if anyone has the same problem as I do?

Oftentimes I find my posts be plagued with additional empty lines even though it cannot be seen when I am typing it in "Composing" mode.

This problem is more apparent when I copy and paste lines of information that I found online, or when I type my posts first in MS Word...

No matter how I try, I can't seem to get rid of the additional "empty lines" on my posts. Call me someone with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), but it really bothers me!

Politics in Malaysia

2011-05-06T11:04:00.001+08:00

If you do not already know, Singapore's politicians are currently rallying for the upcoming election on May 7th. I was just reading XiaXue's blog, I was really impressed with the dedication of their fellow countrymen in support of their various leaders.

I have always been envious of the patriotism that are displayed in many countries, where the people as a whole supports their government and actively participates in choosing them. When you see the smile on their face as they support the various parties contending the for various seats... Your heart cannot help but be warmed by their enthusiasm and trust of their leaders.

Here... Dabbling in politics (even as simple as being a mere supporter) is viewed with suspicion and fear. Trust? Respect? How can we, despite the release of such enticing viewing material for the world to see, and yet the people involved are still our "leaders"? The blatant show of corruption, tampering of "evidence", the obvious segregation of rights between the races, and so on and so forth. People in position of power appears to be immune to many things, so long as they are not "disfavoured" by the leader of the current flavour of the month. Occurrences and transgressions swept under the carpet and no longer surfaces...

I guess the harm that was done in the path to achieving power is very difficult to be undone, despite best efforts by the people concerned.

You will probably think that I am ungrateful and totally unpatriotic. I would agree with the latter, but not the former...

The lack of patriotism is "educated" to those living in this country dominated by a religion that is dictated by politics, being part of a race that did not form the original "core" of the country (though if you look closely at history you would probably agree that the "dominant" race in the country today are in fact also not the aboriginals...), being called "pendatangs" (foreign comers?), the rights as a citizen set aside in favour of the dominant race because "they are the aboriginals (so called)", the repression of thoughts and opinions to safeguard the "peace", the corruption of the government that has become the accepted norm and so on and so forth.

Take an example of the minister who is a part of the main political party here (a fusion of several parties as representative of the "main races" in this country) even went as far as to tell their followers in a public convention that they do not need the other races... And what did the leaders that form the fusion of the "other parties" do? Nothing... The minister is still yakking in superiority...

So tell me, why do the "other races" not have any respect or any sense of patriotism? So long as the "dominant" race acts superior and continue to think they are better than the other races by no other reason than sheer numbers (okay I was gonna say something but I think that it is too rude to say it - let's just say rewind 50 yrs ago their numbers were not so immense), little mice like me will never have a strong sense of patriotism. Justice? How can we pendatangs ever have any....

Many measures are given to keep the "aboriginals" happy, yet they ask for more and more... Help that were extended to them post-war are suddenly an "entitlement" and can never be retracted.

The rights as a citizen here, if you are not "lucky" enough to be born into the right race and religion are severely curtailed. Ultimately, rather than taking from the rich to give to the poor, it became take from one race, give to another...

Most people will probably think that "Hey, if you are that unhappy about the situation, why don't you do something about it?" My answer: I will, but as a citizen, not as a politician. Not everyone is cut out to be one you know? I will strongly support a politician if I can see that he/she is an honest, sincere one - not a hornet out to gain power and money through uncivilised means... I suppose to gain the trust of the people, will never be easy...

By the way, I am just expressing my thoughts on why I do not have interest in participating (actively supporting) in politics in this country and in no way inciting hatred or anger at some religion or some race or some government okay so don't be pissed at me. :)

Dreams: Running

2011-05-05T14:31:00.003+08:00

Ayle and Des loved adventure. They spent their lives trying to live their lives to the fullest. Experience everything they could, whenever they could.

In spirit of their nature, they decided to go on a backpacking journey together. They looked forward to exploring the back country and the wilderness. Excitedly they plotted their journey together through the mountains and lakes, leading eventually to a farm where they will be participating in a "farming" homestay program.

Tanned and rejuvenated from their trek on nature's trail, they decided to hitchhike to their final destination. Eventually Ayle and Des flagged down a friendly truck driver, who agreed to take them to a train station closest to the farm they will be staying in.

After travelling a rather (dusty) distance in the truck, they were eventually dropped off at the promised train station. Ayle and Des thanked the truck driver and waved at him appreciatively as he drove away. The station was virtually empty. It was late, so there were not many people in the station.

"Kinda eerie here, ain't it?" Des commented to Ayle. The station appears it has been in a state of disrepair for some time. The platforms were empty, the trains having ended their services for the day over an hour ago. The benches at the waiting area were dusty, and litter were strewn across its halls. From a distance, Ayle and Des could hear the deliberate drips of a leaking tap.

Ayle nodded towards the restroom. "Well, we are not exactly in the city anymore... I think I will hold it."

Ayle and Des waited anxiously, hoping a taxi or some other form of transportation would come along very soon. Minutes of waiting felt like hours. Ayle said "Des, I think we are waiting in vain, perhaps we should just walk to the farm. It is not that far, is it?"

Des sighed. "It's not that near either. But I suppose it is better than just waiting here".

Ayle and Des stepped out of the station and looked around them. The entire area was plunged in darkness. Not a flicker of light could be seen as far as the naked eye could see. "I think we better stay in the station and plot our route first before heading out. Is your torchlight still working?" Des checked her torchlight. "Oh no, the battery's dead, I reckon yours is too?". Ayle nodded.

After consulting the map, Ayle and Des continued on their journey on foot.

"Well it is not so bad, at least it is breezy" Des said consolingly to Ayle, who looked exhausted.. Their surroundings were so quiet, they could literally hear a pin drop. All they could hear were the soft padding of their feet, and the sound of nature whistling in the wind.

Ayle and Des could only pray they were heading the correct direction, both wishing they had a torchlight with them. After a few minutes, "I think we should speed up so that we won't get into the farm too late." Des said to Ayle, breaking into a jog. "They are expecting us right? They should wait up..." Ayle complained.

A crack could be heard in the distance. "What was that?" Des squeaked. Ayle shrugged.

As they continued their jog, a sudden gust of wind brought with it a loud wail. Goosebumps tickled their neck, making them more nervous than they already were.

Des picked up her pace, urging Ayle to go faster. "I think hear something!". Ayle started running, huffing and puffing but her knees were numb with fear. The sound of padding feet could clearly be heard from a distance, coming up from behind them. "We really have to hurry!" Des said worriedly. Des, being in prime physical condition, the effort of running barely registering.

Ayle said "I can't go any faster", the strain clearly showing on her face.

Not wanting to leave Ayle behind and with herculean effort Des lifted Ayle on her back and started running faster. "I will not leave you!"

The noise became closer and louder. Inching closer as seconds ticked by. It eventually became clear that whatever it was would catch up to them. Des stopped running. Ayle and Des cuddled together, bracing for what was to come. Their hearts thudded in their chests, matching in sound and beat of what sounded like a stampede as it caught up to them.

Turns out it was a group of American footballers, with both men and women on their team doing their nightly workout. They were heading to the stadium up ahead. In their fear, both Ayle and Des totally missed that tiny speck of light in the distance. Both heaved a sigh of relief and greeted the group.

The group welcomed both the girls to join their group as they made their way towards the stadium, which incidentally was the same direction of where Ayle and Des needed to go. They slowed their pace so both girls could keep up. Both Ayle and Des were thankful.

Des noticed that one of the girls from the group were behaving rather suspiciously. Des caught her eye, and she confided with a wink to Des "I want to meet my boyfriend and ditch practice". Knowingly and smiling at her, Ayle and Des joined her "escape" when her "date" came along. Both Ayle and Des were rather shocked to see that her boyfriend was a rather obese male! Certainly not expected of a young woman like her to be going out with someone who is obviously not living a healthy lifestyle!

Ayle and Des then continued to walk briskly, and eventually arrived at a wooden platform which was overlooking a lake. They were enjoying the calm lights and the light breeze when...

I woke up. :P

So as usual, I googled to see what my dream meant with key "events" relevant in my dream.

Darkness

To dream that darkness comes upon you, signifies failure in some work that you are attempting. Darkness is synonymous with ignorance, the unconscious, evil, death, and fear of the unknown.

To dream that you are lost in the darkness, denotes feelings of desperation, depression, or insecurity.

To dream that you are groping around in the darkness, indicates that you have insufficient information to make a clear decision. Do your research and do not rush into making choices.

Fear of Being Chased / Running from someone or something

If you are running with difficulty in your dream, it can mean helplessness, being held back by negative feelings, feeling rundown or out of steam.

Running away can be related to avoidance; issues of responsibility; guilt; new strength to avoid what is negative for you.

Running toward some person or object may refer to ambitions or goals; willingness to undertake responsibility; a positive attitude.
Group of Athletes
To dream of an athlete, means you will be confident in the decision of a serious problem.

Obese man

*I couldn't find an interpretation of dreaming about an obese man, only if one dreams of oneself as obese....*

So what do you make of it?

Writing about Dreams (or nightmares)

2011-05-04T10:39:00.000+08:00

When I was younger I used to write down all my dreams in what I called a "Dream Journal". Everyone dreams every night when they enter into the REM sleep stage... but most people do not actually remember their dreams. I dreamt every night, in fact sometimes I could remember up to 3-4 dreams a night!

My dreams are generally very interesting, some even had a "continuation". I could dream about something, and after a week, the dream "continues"! By far the best dream I ever had was being in a cartoon world... can you imagine that? Everything was brightly coloured and everyone was nice and good! Another "good" dream I had rather frequently were dreams that I could fly... though I never really had very firm control of my flight... I kinda "floated" in air hahaha. Gives one butterflies in the stomach!

I stopped writing in my dream journal one day when I was telling a friend about a particular dream I had. It wasn't s scary dream or anything but she freaked out, as she said how can one remember such detailed information about a dream... That kinda scared me, so I made a conscious effort to stop "remembering" my dreams...

Reckon I have gotten over that fear. Cause I am just about to narrate my dreams in my "Dreams eJournal" haha!

Dreams: Cats

2011-05-03T18:51:00.001+08:00

I had the oddest dream the other night.

I dreamt that an online male friend turned into a cat in my dream. I was carrying him around and even introduced him to my family (in that cat form). Woke up feeling rather dazed.

Came to the office and started googling for the meaning of this dream. Most sites claim that dreams of cats are evil personified and I should expect negativity and conflicts... This is the most "positive" one I found (and since I am a firm believe of the power of positive thinking I have ignored the rest :P):

Cats represent power, freedom and the animal self, especially for females. To dream of being a cat means you will triumph in an upcoming conflict. If you don't like cats, or you have an unpleasant experience with them in your dream, you are uncomfortable in some way with the more feminine side of your personality.

You know they say that your dreams are manisfestations of the subconscious... perhaps that is true. Been having a rough time at work lately, morale is really low, not just for me...

Since I dreamt that my friend, not me, was the cat, does that mean HE will be the one who will triumph in an upcoming conflict? LOL.

Well given the circumstances, think he needs that positivity as well. ;)

Random Thoughts

2011-04-25T16:09:00.002+08:00

愿有爱情不如愿有真情。

"Seek not for romance, seek instead for true, unconditional love".

Waste not your time on people who will love you only for a reason and for a season. Love should be enduring and absolute, time bearing witness to your dedication and devotion.

Love someone truly for who they are, not who they could be.

Love someone not to possess them, but to support them.

Give love willingly, sincerely and without condition. If it is returned equally and genuinely by that person, life would be eternal bliss.

If it is not, it was never meant to be. Find peace, you will be rewarded in other ways by the higher being.

Don't compromise, you should be the most important person to you. Live according to your life's belief and convictions. No one can understand you better than yourself - accept and endure.

Living a life dictated by others is not living at all - just existing. Don't be what others expect you to be - you won't like yourself and chances are others will not too.

Here's a little bit of love from me, to each and every one of you reading this. ^^

Boot Camp for "Effeminate" Boys

2011-04-20T11:55:00.000+08:00

Read in the papers today about the government in state T, Malaysia's (let's call 'em GT for short) latest initiative to "rehabilitate" effeminate schoolboys. The bootcamp, which started on Monday, includes physical training, motivational activities and spiritual talks in order to "correct" the behaviour of effeminate schoolboys.

Let's see how wikipedia defines "Effiminacy" (or effeminate behaviour):

The definition of what constitutes effeminate behavior varies greatly depending on the social and cultural context, as well as on the time period. While some effeminate behavior evokes stereotypical impressions of homosexuality in some people, others may simply view the behavior as "unmanly" without questioning the sexual orientation of the person in question.

Examples of behavior non-compliant with conventional masculinity have included:

Interested in occupations such as hairdressing, fashion, or interior design
Having mostly female friends
Effusive emotional expressions among other males
Interested in fashion, especially women's fashion
Limp-wristed or adopting stereotypically female traits or gestures
Cross-dressing or use of make-up
Soft or cliche speech and a swaying walk
Interested in household duties, such as sewing

Now let's see why GT thinks its a good idea to conduct the boot camp (I am quoting verbatim from the papers so if there are any misrepresentations and if you have an axe to pick please pick 'em with the papers not me):

The boot camp was designed to prevent the boys from developing feminine traits which could hamper their future
The boys involved were selected from most schools in the state
They were carefully vetted before a final selection was made
If such tendencies were not curbed at a young age, it would lead to bigger problems for them in the future
Among factors that encouraged effeminacy were parents' action in dressing boys in girls clothing as they had really wanted a girl or if the boys were surrounded by female siblings

I have some questions for GT:

Who defined and developed the list for effeminate behaviour?
On what basis was this list developed? Morality? Religion? Politics? Sociological "norm" dictated by a non-existent "perfect" leader? (I recently blogged about "Social Divergence", if you are interested you can see my arguments on this point)
The population being conferred such "standards", I think it should only be fair that this is clearly published to the entire population so they know what is the "standard of acceptable behaviour"? Just in case I have a toe out of line without realising it, you know?
Since the "standards" of behaviour for each religion, political endeavour, what is deemed "moral" and what is a social norm differs from time to time and place to place... GT thinks theirs are best because......?
And since you have the list for effeminate behaviour, you should also have the list for what defines a "masculine" man. Can we see this as well please?
So, if a "man" does not fulfill the "criteria" in either list, so what is he deemed as? Can we understand this please? Maybe a "range" that defines how "manly" one is should be defined so each man can be graded based on this... You are Man Level 10 as opposed to you are Man Level 1 bordering on "Effeminate".
What are the list of criteria that these schoolboys were selected? Is the selection process somehow quantifiable? Who does the monitoring for the selection process? (Or rather, who does the judging!)
How are the "effeminate" tendencies causing problems for the schoolboys? Are you referring to the psychological, sociological, technical or emotional aspect?
What are they?
Will the epitome of masculinity in GT please stand up? Who defined the perfect "man"?
And GT thinks the more "manly" the male, the better it is because...................? (should we look into how Wikipedia define masculine traits?) :D
Was less quantifiable variables such as personal preference, choice, physiological state, physical state (such as if the "schoolboy" may be born with physical traits of both genders but exterior more closely resembles what we deem as "male") ever in the equation whilst determining the above?
Has GT considered what would happen to these schoolboys that they have "rehabilitated" when they go back to regular school? I think GT, you kinda forgot how kids can be really cruel to their peers. Oh wait, you forgot by taking a schoolboy out of regular school and placing him in a bootcamp because he is not "man" enough might have some psychological impact on that kid since the whole world now deems him as "effeminate" and "not right" :)
Do you really think that you should rehabilitate the child and not the parent if they see it fit to "dress the boy in girls clothing because they really wanted a girl"?
Do you feel silly at all saying such things?

I have loads more questions... loads loads loads. I am trying hard to see it from GT's perspective. The "We are doing this because we believe it will be for their own good". Perhaps GT should have created the program for social awareness and left the choice to the individuals (at a later age when they are old enough to choose perhaps? Somehow I think this cannot withstand public scrutiny and critism either.)?

Aih. I just feel sorry for the boys. Am glad at least someone stood up for the poor kids. Just wish she had known about it earlier to stop it from even happening to begin with.

I really think there should be a clear division between morality / legality / politics / religion. Whilst the government in any nation is charged with maintaining order (hence the difficulty in distinguishing between law and politics), do they really have any right to dictate social norms and morality? Freedom of expression (whether verbal or actions) whilst to a certain extent curbed to maintain peace may be a necessary evil, does GT really think that they have a right to intrude on how I choose to walk, eat, think, like, etc? Do I as a child below the age of 18 not have the freedom to be unconventional?

Perhaps a breed of robotic mannerisms and preferences are preferable? People who think alike, act alike. Macam mana nak maju ni?

As an individual I feel robbed of choice and violated mentally and emotionally for such endeavours to be put through. And quite frankly I feel really embarassed that this even happened in our society. Whilst I may not be totally in agreement with the concept of absolute freedom of expression and choice, I think GT, you are really taking this too far... Can we never agree to disagree? What is so wrong about being different?

Let the perfect man cast the first stone...

Understanding what is "truth"

2011-04-17T15:36:00.001+08:00

I have from a very young age struggled with the inability to live only for the moment. Always asking why, why, why. Always trying to understand, trying to rationalise. Things that I hear, things that I see. Things people do, things people do not.

I do agree that thinking too much makes a person unhappy... because whilst one tries to rationalise events in one's own mind, there is no way of telling whether the conclusion arrived is a right one. So one turns to others to seek "affirmation" so to speak. Asking questions, seeking opinions, obtaining directions. Well, at least I try to do.

But if you think about it, you will never come to know what is the "truth" because there may be many reasons the counter party provides a certain answer (assuming it is even offered verbally, but I digress) ... perhaps it is to spare your feelings, perhaps to hurt you, perhaps because of their own experiences, etc. As such the "truth" formulated will tend to lean towards the way they see things in a specific way, and will not necessasrily be agreed as the "truth" by for instance, an third party witnessing the same event but is not affected in any way.

Take for instance two really close friends walking down the street hand in hand, smiling and laughing together. Friend A may remark to one "oh you lazy bum!" to Friend B and Friend B may reply by flinging away Friend A's hand and says "who cares, bitch!" to Friend A. Both continues on their path, still talking.

A bystander may be shocked at the words Friend A & Friend B used with each other, and may conclude that they just had a spat. But Friend A and Friend B themselves may interpret that as a harmless joke between two close friends and neither would not take offence with the words exchanged.

So as far as the "truth" to the above story, Friend A and Friend B will probably both agree that the truth was indeed that, they were merely bantering and joking with each other. As for what is deemed as the truth to the bystander, Friend A and Friend B just had a spat.

Let's take a twist to the story above. Let's say Friend A and Friend B are joined by Friend C, who whilst are friends with both, are not as close friends as Friend A and Friend B. The same event occured, but this time it is witnessed by Friend C. In this instance, Friend A may feel slighted simply because the event took place in front of Friend C (who maybe is well known for spreading rumours?).

The "truth" of the event has now been changed despite the exact same words uttered and the same action taken (flinging of the arm away). The truth has a variable simply because of the presence of Friend C, and based on the experience by Friend A, the event is then judged as "hurtful" and no longer merely a "joke".

So if you want to get down to it, what is deemed as the "truth" would in fact merely be a point of view. Every "truth" will have different angles and different answers, a cumulation of a person's social background, experience, and motive. Differing if a certain event took place in a different time, or place.

Everyone tells me I think too much, and I should just let things be.

I do try... but I note that most people have a little book where they automatically pre-judge what is "right" and "wrong" what is the "truth" and what is a "lie" without taking into consideration all the possible variations that could possibly exist, such as time, place, circumstances... I suppose by doing so makes life even more complicated that it already is. Or I am always trying to make excuses for people, trying to see people in the best possible light...

But this leaves me with a large dose of uncertainty in my heart, never wanting to take a strong stand. My perception of the world is perhaps rather skewed, I tend to see things in gray. It is indeed difficult to find someone who agrees with me.

Those who genuinely cares worries and tries to advice me, those that do not often laughs and looks down on me.

For the former, I am genuinely touched by their guidance and warmth. I seek betterment of myself knowing such people exists.

As for the latter, hmmm... perhaps they think I care about their perception? ;)

Painkillers...

2011-04-15T11:51:00.000+08:00

Ow.

It is that time of the month again.

And I am in SO MUCH pain.

Too much info I know, but heck I was just thinking (since someone suggested that I took painkillers), how many painkillers (pills) would I have taken had I taken a pill each time I suffered from period pain?

Since I suffer from this every single month for 3 days since the day I got my period at the tender age of 12...

Assuming I take 4 pills (two in the morning and another two four hours later so I could function without pain) I would have taken 3024 pills to date. Think that is way way too much...

Ok now everyone knows my age. ^^

I Remember...

2011-04-11T17:44:00.000+08:00

I remember now the warmth one feels when surrounded by friends, and by people who genuinely cares about you.

*hearts everyone*

And YES I did pass my art paper.

AHAHAHHAHA.

^^

Remember...

2011-03-31T15:15:00.000+08:00

Love thyself, for the world may not love you.

Social Divergence

2011-03-29T14:00:00.000+08:00

The behaviour of humans are more closely related to animals than we all think.

The more I observe, the closer the resemblance. Humanity seems genuinely fearful of diverging from social "norms". So there is an unwritten "list" of rules and regulations that hinges at the forefront of everyone's mind, yet they are suspiciously "unaware" of such pre-judgment.

Had a conversation with a friend on this topic. I tend to agree with his contention that what is deemed as social "norms" are dictated by the respected "leader" of that community which could be a religious leader, or a political one. And the masses in turn dictates who that "leader" would be. So what if the leader is the one who steps out what is deemed as "norm"? The masses may topple the leader or they may revere his "difference", which would ultimately be assimilated as "norm". And such herd-like mentality would eventually lead to the failure of what makes us human - the ability to think and to evaluate. Isn't that how we humans arrogantly distinguish ourselves from "animals"?

Where the "leader" goes, the masses will follow. Should one turn left when everyone else turns right, one will be stoned, ostracised and eventually left behind. So as part of the pack, one will always try to follow the alpha male (or in some parts of the animal kingdom, the alpha female).

In short, what is deigned socially acceptable, and a norm, is a variable that changes with time and sways with the current "heat" of the moment.

Social censure has no exclusions or exemptions. And I have met many hypocrites in my life. They preach goodness, love, and forgiveness - yet for some "wrong" or "label" you will never be accepted in their midst.

I realise that I too am guilty of having become one of the cattle that I criticise. The strength of one bovine against the might of many... is intimidating to say the least.

I try to find peace - balance for what is "me" and what is "acceptable"... The yin and yang of life...

Weekly therapy

2011-03-28T17:36:00.000+08:00

My heart skipped a beat, when I thought I received an email from you.

Turns out to be spam...

Oh well, back to my weekly therapy to heal my heart...

Isn't he cute...

So so loving, he gives you ample unconditional love!! *kisses*

Mosquito

2011-03-24T10:10:00.001+08:00

I turn left I think of you,
I turn right I still think of you.
I miss talking to you,
Miss sharing things with you.

I am tired. There's so much to do. So much to sort out at work... Really cannot afford the emotional turmoil. Hope you are well...

Anyway, here's something curious today - a mosquito inadvertantly got stuck by its wings to my hand this morning... poor thing... he was struggling and struggling to get unstuck... He is now somewhere in the sewerage system... (flushed down the toilet).

One more week...

2011-03-21T16:10:00.001+08:00

*prays*

Computer And Us

2011-03-17T16:06:00.002+08:00

Haha, another email humour circulating around to share!

**UPDATED since one of my readers kindly added to the list!! ^^

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill 's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

11. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bout a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

12. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

13. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

14. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

15. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft petrol and lubricants but the packaging would be superb.

16. New seats would force everyone to have the same size arse.

17. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

18. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 1 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

19. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

20. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

21. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free including IBM.

22. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11),then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

23. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

24. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

25. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

26. Every time Microsoft introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

27. Microsoft would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Automobile Association Road maps (now a Microsoft subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call ' customer service ' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

Nine Words Women Use

2011-03-16T16:56:00.003+08:00

Haha thought this was really funny, thought I would share.

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!

Unconditional Love

2011-03-14T10:05:00.001+08:00

This is the reason why having a pet calms your soul...

No human can provide such unconditional love to another... (except maybe parent-child relationships).

Action speaks louder than a thousand words...

2011-03-08T17:38:00.000+08:00

Done what I should.

I be fine. ^^

Promises made...

2011-02-25T14:58:00.001+08:00

Must be kept.

I already promised myself that after today, I will make the decision on what I will do. This heartache cannot, and will not go on.

I think I have done all I could to give this a chance. Emotionally, I am exhausted. I don't think I can bear to go through this again.
Decision has been made - time to move on.

I wish him well.

When things are not meant to be, so be it.

Que sera sera.

But it hurts - it really does.

New Milestone

2011-02-23T19:27:00.000+08:00

Friday, 25th February 2011 will set a new milestone for me.

I will see, and I will know.

Either way, I will make a choice and I will not look back again.

I just want to live life with no regrets.

Live and let live. ^^

Sadistic Humour

2011-02-22T10:34:00.000+08:00

This is so me - hahaha. So long as it is not carried out in anger/jealousy/or any such negative emotions, I think practical jokes such as this is really funny. hAHHAhahaha.

Mysterious...

2011-02-21T10:49:00.000+08:00

I seem to have developed some mysterious welts on my left thigh.

It doesn't itch - I didn't scratch. I did wax my legs yesterday but I have waxed many times before I have never developed such welts...

Why leh!!??

It's so ugly. :(

Doggy shoe

2011-02-18T14:54:00.000+08:00

If I find this, I would really buy it! I think it looks great!

I have not been resting enough...

2011-02-17T21:56:00.000+08:00

I feel stressed. I guess. Thinking too much, resting too little.

I need help. My eyebags look horrible.

Sigh.

Am I making the same mistake?

2011-02-08T14:53:00.000+08:00

I feel lost.

And so very sad.

Rundown of 2010 and Hopes for 2011

2011-02-08T13:36:00.000+08:00

As is customary, I shall evaluate what resolutions I made in 2010 and what I have achieved thus far.
Hopes for 2010.

1) I will stop spending lavishly and without just cause. I will save some!

I failed here miserably - a lot pertaining to my travels, new home, and wanting to be beautiful.

2) I will focus on my work and stop taking a backseat in my career

Just so-so... I think this year would be better.
3) I will not whine about being overweight and will succeed in achieving my target weight

At the peak of my weight gain, I weighed 74 kgs. Today I am proud to announce I now weigh 62 kgs. Not quite there yet, but I think I have made significant progress. :) I have lost a total of 12 kgs in 2010.

Wanted to post a picture of me in a bikini but didn't manage to take one whilst I was in Koh Samui.... so let this be in replacement. ;)

4) I will actively socialize again

Done. ^^ Ongoing.

5) I will no longer shy away from my fears and learn self confidence again

Still need improvement.

6) I will be forthright and honest, I will learn to respect myself (and my own opinions - right or wrong) again

Done. ^^ Ongoing.

7) I will inject passion in everything I do!

Done. ^^ Ongoing.

So what are my hopes for 2011? Here's my new list:

1) Definitely need to save. Also to be able to afford a new kitchen, a proper living room and a beautiful wardrobe. ^^
2) Be brave, and plunge ahead, be true to my heart. I really want to give myself a chance this year.
3) Continue to work on how I feel about myself, physically, mentally and emotionally.
4) Focus on my career, focus on my future.
5) Learn to open myself up to people who matters, and ignore people who does not (especially if they are just an irritant, some people are just not worth your trouble).
6) Perhaps learn some patience... (patience, not waiting around doing nothing, must remain a go-getter!)
7) Continue to inject passion in everything that I do, and be more open to socialising.
8) Learn to trust...

I pray for a good year.

Busy as a bee...

2011-01-31T15:10:00.000+08:00

I haven't been updating my blog a lot lately.

Loads happening, I am just too busy to write it all down! I miss my blog!!

In midst of detoxing at the moment, am really suffering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But results can be seen, skin and weight :)

That's a good thing at least.

If you let me..

2011-01-30T16:54:00.002+08:00

I will love you till the day I die.

D’Bagindas – Cinta

2011-01-28T17:06:00.000+08:00

Berapa kali ku harus katakan cinta
Berapa lama ku harus menunggumu

Diujung gelisah ini aku
Tak sedikitpun tak ingat kamu
Namun dirimu masih begitu
Acuhkan ku tak mau tahu

[*]

Luka luka luka yang kurasakan
Bertubi tubi tubi yang kau berikan
Cintaku bertepuk sebelah tangan
Tapi aku balas senyum keindahan

[**]

Bertahan satu cinta
Bertahan satu c.i.n.t.a
Bertahan satu cinta
Bertahan satu c.i.n.t.a

Pernahkan engkau sejenak mengingat aku
Pernahkan ingat walau seperti angin berlalu

Di setiap malam kini aku
Tak sedetikpun tak ingat kamu
Namun dirimu masih begitu
Acuhkan ku tak mau tahu

Back to [*][**]

Back to [*],[**] 2x

My latest love...

Gambling & Gamblers (SS7)

2011-01-28T16:36:00.000+08:00

It's Chinese New Year soon...

And this is the time of the year that everyone talks about gambling... this is the season to be jolly....... chinese style!

But for some reason today, I felt tremendous amount of anger when my colleague brought up the subject of gambling (not towards her). I think I have not let go of my past as much as I thought I did...

When I was a child, both my parents were avid gamblers. Come weekend, you can be guaranteed that both my parents will head to either my aunt's or my father's friend's place to play mahjong. My mom usually played mahjong almost every day at one point with our neighbours... until fight ensued.

More often than not, we were at my aunt's place. It is usually me and my parents only actually. My sisters always seemed to give it a pass. My aunt's place usually resembled a major gambling den going on - usually at least 2-3 tables of simultaneous mahjong tables being busily used. I remember she lived on the top level of a shophouse in Taman Maluri, Cheras.

Directly opposite was a cabaret club I believe - or what seemed more like a hooker den.

Gambling changes a person - it is a disease that spreads like wildfire. It is highly addictive and makes a person become bad tempered. They tend to gamble to the exclusion of everything else - everything just ain't important anymore - whether it is your meals, your hygiene, or even your children...

My old neighbour (actually neighbour's son who was unemployed) was crazy enough because of a fight with my mom, gambling being the source, tried to ram me down with his car whilst I was walking to school... Another time he rode a motorbike, stopped right in front of me, dug his backside and "flicked" it at me. WTF?? I was a child?? What has their fight gotta do with me anyway????? And he robbed me of my playmate too, his son who was one year younger than me. Daniel Hor. Wonder where he is today? Hmm.

I hated it when my parents gambled. In fact I still do.

My father stopped gambling when I was still young, probably when I was 13? My mother never really did... though the frequency and obsession has abated a little.

I guess there are some things you experience as a child that leaves such a deep imprint in your mind. For me, the memories of me lying on my mother's lap whilst she gambled, and for being left to the mercy of my male cousins... Is something that developed into a violent hatred for gamblers. In fact I have deep biasness against people who plays mahjong, especially if they do it frequently. I look down on them somehow.

Plus I have never, and hopefully never will, dated someone who gambles like that. EVER.

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder

2011-01-25T16:55:00.000+08:00

I posted this picture of me which I took over the weekend on msn. A friend said that it is the most "decent" picture I have taken of myself. Apparently in other pictures I look as though I was about to gobble someone up? LOL.

So he asked me to put it as my profile picture on facebook as well.

So I did.

I got many mixed comments from people, some things I look "decent", some says I look "beautiful", others "sexy" and one even said I look like a "streetwalker"!

LOL. Beauty therefore, totally lies in the eyes of the beholder.

I posted the picture in question below. You judge for yourself. :)

Dinner @ Killiney's

2011-01-21T13:05:00.001+08:00

Ventured into SS2 mall looking for food - there isn't that many food outlets to select from.

Figured I would give Killiney a try. Its a food chain that's been making its presence known lately... Serving mostly local fare and some western meals.

The Menu - rather wide selection availble

Ribena + Lychee + Black Jelly (not recommended)

Keropok Lekor - YUMMY!

Nasi Lemak Sambal Petai - Ok lah.

Verdict? Edible.

Not a first choice. :)

The "Bebe" Look

2011-01-18T17:47:00.000+08:00

I love the clothes, figured I would try the Bebe sporty look.

I look so fat!!

:(

With my gorgeous sister :)

Today I Feel...

2011-01-11T11:12:00.000+08:00

Sad.

I wonder which is worse. To know the truth, or to be kept in the dark.

How fast can you type?

2011-01-07T17:59:00.000+08:00

94 words

Typing Speed Test

I used to type closer to 120 words per minute...

The curse of age...

Kekeke.

Last Dash to fulfill your new year resolutions!

2010-12-28T14:02:00.000+08:00

It's 28th December 2010 today!

Last dash for everyone to fulfill their new year resolutions they made last year!

I still have not achieved my targeted weight (but have already achieved my ideal weight, so am healthy at least!), wish me luck! ^^

I WILL by hook or by crook achieve it, so I can fulfill my pledge to wear (and take a picture) of me in a bikini when I am in Koh Samui with my family in Jan/Feb 2011! So I am cheating by extending the deadline for this a little... pics after Chinese New Year! Muahahaha!!

Have you looked at the list of resolutions you made last year? Last call for the last dash! ^^

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T17:39:00.000+08:00

It's christmas, and I am in the office!

Here's a cheeky pose I struck to lighten things up.

^^

Hope everyone is having a good break!

Personality Test

2010-12-20T15:17:00.000+08:00

I just did a personality test, conclusion was I am an ENTP "The Originator".

Extraverted 58%
Thinking 79%"
Intuition 68%
Perceiving 84%

ENTP Personality

ENTPs direct their energy outward. They are assertive, talkative and gregarious. They are expressive and enthusiastic. ENTPs are energized by interaction. ENTPs are Intuitive. They are deeply imaginative and inventive. Their thought process is abstract and theoretical. ENTPs are complex and future-focused.

ENTPs are Thinkers that are objective and logical. They are impersonal, rational and thick-skinned. They make decisions with their head and are driven by logic. ENTPs are flexible and often carefree. They like to keep their options open. They are spontaneous and comfortable with change.

ENTPs can often be described using these words.

Innovative
Perceptive
Future-focused
Curious
Logical
Imaginative
Crafty
Theoretical
Enthusiastic
Objective
Introspective
Impersonal
Inventive
Assertive
Flexible
Carefree
Gregarious
Intellectual
Entrepreneurial
Complex
Non-conforming
Fearless
Efficient
Exciting
Spontaneous

There are strength and weaknesses that ENTPs are more likely to possess than others.

Typical ENTP Strengths

Driven to self-improvement
Excellent communicator
Great at generating ideas
Charming, popular and enthusiastic
Laid back and flexible

Possible ENTP Weaknesses

Poor follow-up skills
Gets bored in relationships
Argumentative
Risk taker with money

Conclusion

ENTP Originators see life as a puzzle or a chess board where they need to make all the pieces fit together. They are deeply curious, inventive and enthusiastic. Their greatest contribution is their ability to pursue and succeed at any risk-taking venture.

ENTP Relationships

Typically good-natured, upbeat and laid-back, ENTPs can be delightful people to be around. They get a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction from interacting with others, and especially enjoy discussing and debating theories and concepts which interest them. They may be prone to initiate arguments because they so enjoy the debate. They are generally fun-loving and gregarious, and can be quite charming. They have a problem with sometimes neglecting their close relationships when they become involved in the pursuit of a new idea or plan.

ENTP Strengths

Enthusiastic, upbeat, and popular
Can be very charming
Excellent communication skills
Extremely interested in self-improvement and growth in their relationships
Laid-back and flexible, usually easy to get along with
Big idea-people, always working on a grand scheme or idea
Usually good at making money, although not so good at managing it
Take their commitments and relationships very seriously
Able to move on with their lives after leaving a relationship

ENTP Weaknesses

Always excited by anything new, they may change partners frequently
Tendency to not follow through on their plans and ideas
Their love of debate may cause them to provoke arguments
Big risk-takers and big spenders, not usually good at managing money
Although they take their commitments seriously, they tend to abandon their relationships which no longer offer opportunity for growth

GahhHHHhhhh!!

2010-12-15T15:09:00.001+08:00

I really feel like biting certain bits off certain people today.

Apart from my PMS, loads of things on my mind.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Really need to work off the excess energy.

Survey About Me

2010-12-14T13:25:00.000+08:00

Haha, I found this in my folder too!!

I got the tattoo in the end. On my back, on the hip.
This is mission impossible. The make up is just too difficult to do.
Haha, not many people knew this! My first proper date was with a guy 4 years my senior when I was in Form 1!! He was tall and good looking! kwa kwaa kwaaaaaaaa
I just like bland food really..
Kenshin!!!!!!!!!!! ^^ Also known as Samurai X.
I don't really like ice cream other than chocolate or coffee flavoured...
Tee hee, I love anime. Haven't bought any new ones lately though. Got really turned off by many I bought that was so so so so boring!
Yeah.. I love those sharp noses babeh!! (Amongst other things)
Height - for obvious reasons
I love my anime!! kekeke!

Old Journal Entry

2010-12-14T12:36:00.000+08:00

Just found this in my folder, not sure when it was written really. Probably sometime before my separation/ divorce because I referred to my ex as "hubby". See, this is one of the advantages of blogging rather than randomly typing into some word document!

Anyway, just wanted to share - this was written prior to my being able to tap into my emotions some years earlier.

Many of us live a life that is expected, required – whether from our parents, our spouse, or friends, or even society at large. Yet many of us crave the unknown. Wish for something more, deep in the recesses of our soul there is a void that we need to fill. Every one of us does it differently – some believe in indulging in their passions that poses as hobbies. Some works diligently without a break. Some enjoy time-out sessions with their friends or family.

But I seem to have a need deeper than that, I wander about this world feeling lost and empty. On the outlook of course I look like any other being in this world. I work hard, I play hard (rigid fan of Japanese animes, dramas and reading fantasy and romance novels, board games etc). I am constantly surrounded by family, a loving husband and many friends. Yet I feel – empty. There is no better word to describe the emotion that wells up like a void in me. If one can see the colour of one’s emotions, I see only darkness when I think of mine.

Yet if you ask me am I unhappy? I would say vehemently no! But turn the question around and ask me if I am happy? I would hesitate for I cannot honestly say that I am truly happy in life. Am I discontent? No, can’t really say that either. But am I really content? No, not that too.

“Then what is it that you want woman!?” Yes, I get that a lot. The truth is, I don’t really know. Is it really possible for someone not to know what brings joy? Or in truth, sadness as well? What is it that you call someone who can’t seem to be in touch with their true feelings? A coward?

I seem to have long forgone the emotion of want and needs. So now when you ask me what I want or need I find it very difficult to answer. Just on impulse I do things now, if any strikes at the right time that is.

In fact, you are probably wondering where I am going with this. Truth be known I really do not know. I just have a strong impulse to write today. Maybe I am trying to arrive at an answer to something that seems beyond my grasp?

I have my “good” days and “bad” days. My “good” days I am extremely productive and can do most things at a blink of an eye. My focus will be good, and work and life generally will be satisfying.

Then I have my “bad” days … I cannot seem to focus, and I feel darkness that is vested in me. Then I seem to be grasping for something that seems to be missing in my life. Then I want changes. But what is it that I want changed? Usually during all time low it will be probably something very significant like changing my job or moving out of my house or changing my life partner or something crazy like that.

But when the void lifts (it usually does in moments) all seems well again and I trudge along feeling neither happy nor unhappy with my life.

Am I normal? Have I lost touch with my inner self, to the point that there is something very significantly wrong with my life and yet I do not acknowledge it? Which is why I seem incapable of feeling anything but boredom or anger or satisfaction on work done? Is it because I have rebelled and rebelled and lost the rebellion? Have I fought so much that it has drained me out during my time as a student? Or is it because I feel sorry for people around me, to those who truly care about me and I do not want them to worry or feel sad anymore? Or have I along the way decided to be selfish, and decided to lock my true self up where no one can see me, hear me, or touch me?

I seem to recall the days that I used to feel warmth that radiates from my heart, burns the soul and to feel sorrow that is gut wrenching and tears the heart and beats the soul. I remember talking about what I feel, what I think, and generally debate about nothing and yet everything. Yet I cannot truly remember how it feels like … for a long, long time. Now my mind, my heart, my soul – are empty.

I can still cry – but usually just out of frustration rather than sadness. Frustration that I couldn’t get my way. Some unfortunate souls bear the brunt of my irritation and frustration simply because the memories fuel my anger and determination to receive what I have never gotten. I apologize to those poor souls.

I have stirrings of the old emotions yesterday – though I cannot place what those emotions are. I couldn’t recognize what it was … but it was an emotion that lives outside my sphere now. It felt nice but a little sad… Better not mention what stirred those emotions lest it is misinterpreted and led to something that isn’t true.

Will my journey through this life end without emotions apart from anger, frustration and all in all, boredom? And again, am I normal??

I have always wanted to write, to see what I can give to others. But I never “had” the time. Never had the motivation nor the right inspiration to write. I used to as a child. Yet the passion left me like it never existed once I became a teenager.

There is always a reason why I don’t try – out of sheer laziness maybe? Or perhaps out of fear of rejection or humiliation? Maybe a combination of all …

Yet I love to read. What do I read? Fantasy and romance novels that are set outside the world that we know. A make-believe world filled with intrigue, love and magic. A world that thrills the spirit and feeds the soul. A world to go to when the realities of this world no longer holds significance.

Another world to escape and immerse yourself into when the realities of this world makes you think only of one word – mundane.

The Feeling of Love

2010-12-13T16:22:00.001+08:00

I find myself reminiscing about how it felt to be in love, and to be loved in return.

I miss that feeling - the warmth, the joy, the excitement and the tenderness that one in love feels.

Just holding hands, strolling in the park with a cup of coffee in hand, and the cool breeze in the hair. The acceleration of the heartbeat just looking at him. The swelling of the heart when you see his smile. The tears that collect at the edge of your eyes because you feel so lucky to be in love and to be loved by him. The smiles, the laughter that you share.

Just turning to see that special someone walking by your side, to smile, and to hope that he will always be there. To vow and to pledge your loyalty to him and him alone. To place your heart in his hands, to love and to trust him never to harm, and to always care for you.

To love and support him in whatever he does... To hold him when he feels weak, to smile at him when he wakes up first thing in the morning... To cherish him down to his toenails...

I wonder if this will ever be my destiny? I think perhaps I am subconciously afraid of getting involved again? Always setting up myself for failure in relationships? Choosing men that I knew could never have a long term relationship with?

I notice this pattern after Yield...

And it became worse after Ivan...

People close to me, people who understands me - all tells me I must learn to trust again. But it is so hard no? To trust someone to love you unconditionally, who does not laugh at what you feel for them?

I never felt embarassed to love someone until after Ivan. Though I understand his motive, his method was rather cruel. It left a scar. But it wasn't just him really. I guess he was just the last straw. I find myself unable to trust for the longest time.

Though the scar has healed with time - the fear remains. I still find it impossible to let the person I love know what I feel for fear of rejection. I find myself distancing myself from him. There are many reasons for that, though the fear of rejection is truly the crux of it.

Many tells me that I am but a romantic fool. That love and eventually loyalty in whatever form fades with time. I do not agree. If those are the rules, I do not wish to participate. If I cannot love wholeheartedly and to be loved as such in return, I rather be alone.

My soulmate... where are you? Do you know that I still await?

Sorry I sound melancholy - it will probably just pass as it always does.

Sunshine after the rain

2010-12-13T12:03:00.000+08:00

Everything happens for a reason.

And usually for the better.

Smell the sunshine after the rain!

It's time for me to go on one of my excursions, if only I am a little less broke! ;)

Did this a while back... Just so the post is a little less boring with just text - my family tree! ehhe!

Ass

2010-12-10T13:04:00.000+08:00

Can't believe what an ass Android has become.

WTF is your problem!? Bet you don't do it to anyone else! Think I have the doormat syndrome or something.

*pissed*

Thinking things through before you act

2010-12-06T17:34:00.000+08:00

Too few of us do this.

And there are many victims for this irresponsibility.

*angry*

Ivan (SS6)

2010-12-02T13:20:00.001+08:00

Android "introduced" Ivan to me. I probably shouldn't pick the nick "Ivan" as its the same name as someone close to "Ivan" but it is quite hard to find a male sounding "I" nick for a guy. If you haven't guessed already, all the nicknames I picked for all the "characters" in my stories, I used the initial of their name to come up with a nick. So, sorry yah.

Though I chatted online a lot, I had always been rather reluctant to meet the mIRC-ers in the flesh. Don't ask why, I don't know - I just feel awkward! Generally, I only meet the people I chat with in real life if we do have someone we actually know in common. I guess in a way, my natural distrust of people shines through. You do not actually know whether the person you have been "speaking" to are actually the person that you think you know... Then again, the same can be said of a person you meet "live" anyhows.... Ok that sounds terribly contradicting. :P

And as with every general rule, there are exceptions. But not really in this case. ;)

I first "met" Ivan online whilst chatting on mIRC. His family had migrated to another continent a couple of years before, but he is true and blue Malaysian.

I can no longer remember how we actually started chatting, but along the way Ivan started "courting" me. I had at that time only just broken off with this Welsh guy... Based on the feedback I received from everyone who "knew" him, everyone warned me off him. Something along the lines of "this guy is dangerous" or "this guy is crazy" or "this guy is a jerk" or "this guy is a lecher" and so on and so forth.

I declined his proposal and distanced myself from his attentions after that.

I started dating Jet instead. (Wah, "Jet" kekekeke). :P No I am not going to elaborate on that joke. HAHAHA!

Jet has a different religion, and as a result faced huge disfavour from my parents right from the start. The problem with his religion is that it is compulsory that I need to be part of it in order to have a "life" with him. And there is no turning back - especially since this religion strongly favours the men. Hence the strong objections. I personally do not believe that a religion should be "forced" in such a way just because two people love each other. But if you look at another point of view, two people who live a life with two different religions that may have conflicts in its teaching may eventually break up due to the differences anyway .... so perhaps it could be a practical requirement? ;)

Due to many differences in our character, perspective and goals in life - we quarrelled endlessly and we eventually broke up, less than 6 months later.

(When I was younger I tended to date extensively one guy after another, like changing clothes? Not something I am proud of, but it happened)

I realised then that Ivan had disappeared into thin air for the entire duration I was dating Jet. Later, I found out from Ivan that he had left the country he was living in to be with his ex. Purportedly to "console" himself due to my defection. How true, I do not know. Ivan was there of course, to console me. Waiting. He was ever so confident, that my feelings for Jet were never real to begin with - guess he was waiting for me to come to my senses? keke.

When it comes to Ivan, whatever is true and what is not is always a blur as he lied endlessly. Whether to cover up his deeds, to "protect" me, to "hide" information - he just does. Think it became a habit for him after a while. I think it is such a suffocating thing to do - to live a life based on lies and distrust...

When we "got together", it was again through the net since he lived in another country. He was such a charming bloke, and had much time to talk to me since he was studying at that time. He was doing an engineering degree - he never quite finished that.

Ivan started making plans to come back to Malaysia so we could meet and to properly have a "relationship".

Ivan has a very complicated background and history. I am unsure whether he would hunt me down and "erase" me should I openly talk about it here? Not him maybe. His "family". Probably not considering I do not know anything except superficially anyway. Not worth their effort. ^ ^ At this point, everything was like a dream. I am not even sure anymore that I believe his fantastical tales.

If you choose to believe Ivan, he grew up in a "family" of people of power in the "triads". At a very young age, he was recognised as a "brain" and grew up serving the family by giving strategic advices. Or such. So needless to say, he has many "experiences" that has left him in many ways scarred. He grew up watching people fight, people who fall under the influence of power and money, watching people die, and so on and so forth.

I guess I was attracted to this element of danger. That's what girls like right? Naughty boys in hopes they will repent because of her. How romantic! In reality however, I would suggest you re-think this thought. Why would you be the one to change him? Remember, a leopard never changes his spots. Even if he tried out of love for you - the spots remain, just masked.

I am a good example... but then again, most people need to learn the hard way. ^ ^

I was so in love with him, he understood me much better than anyone else could. How could he not? He is so used to reading people, and predicting accurately how that person would react and respond.

I think I have mentioned before, that I lacked self confidence when I was younger. I think essentially the problem was the fact that I did not love myself, hence I questioned everyone's affection for me. Every single relationship I was in (my ex-hubby was an exception), I felt tremendous sense of fear. Fear of losing the guy. Fear of disloyalty. Fear that I just wasn't good enough. The girl they fell in love with disappeared under that fear almost immediately after we get into a "relationship".

With Ivan, the lack of self confidence and fear multiplied tenfold. Seems all he needed to do was to crook his finger, for women to flock to his side. He wasn't that particularly good looking to begin with! Perhaps like me, all the other women were attracted to the same element of danger.

Ivan made plans to come home. I remember meeting him for the first time at the airport, it was decidedly awkward because technically, we have never met (well, we "saw" each other on webcam, that was it). I never even heard his voice prior to that, yet we were "together"! LOL. Weird.

We were walking towards the car on the walkalator when he suddenly said "Aih, get it over with!", grabbed me and gave me a deep kiss. I totally did not expect that. I think I blushed tomato after that. LOL. The only other person that vaguely made me feel that way was Yield.

I fell really hard for Ivan. Following the pattern with most other men I have dated - he suddenly became my life, my world revolved around his. That's the craziest thing one could do really - to make the man your centre of universe. He will feel the pressure, and worst of all, he would lose interest in you because the woman he fell in love with no longer exists! It is truly important to understand and love yourself... you will be a much happier person that way.

Ivan stayed with me and my family for a while, before moving in with Android a month or so later. He said he would try to make things work so he could stay. He was adamant that he wouldn't go back - which I urged him to, at least to finish his degree. He pointedly refused.

Things started going downhill after he moved out. He came to stay only during the weekends. He was, as always, secretive about everything. He receives phone calls and promptly moves out of line of sight and hearing. He never wants to tell me where he was going, with whom or why we could not meet. I wanted to see him 24/7 (I was already working at that time so that was impossible). I wanted him to tell me everything. I wanted him to always be with me.

(I think I wanted an obedient dog, LOL).

To give him credit, Ivan made an effort to ease my insecurities by getting up early every morning so we could spend some time together, have breakfast (it took him a long time to find a job, so basically he was just home at Android's mostly). I think I was so obsessed with the idea of losing him, I totally pushed him out of my life. Didn't help matters the fact that "well wishers", friends and family kept telling me things that fueled my insecurities. Like how they saw him with other women, or at a certain place where he should not have been etc. The rumours are probably true though. Ivan always said "it's just sex". NO IT'S NOT!!! Don't give me this sh** I found it totally unacceptable and will always find it unacceptable!! If you are gonna stray, don't be in a relationship!!

Eventually, the insecurities really drove me literally nuts. A lot of tears and uncontrollable emotions. My behaviour was totally scary now that I think back. I was so obsessed with the idea of being cheated on, of losing him, I totally lost control. I kept reaching out to the very source of my insecurities for assurance, which is the dumbest thing one can do. Mattered little whether he was telling the truth or not, I did not believe him anyway. I kept asking the same questions, over and over. No matter how much he tells me that he loved me and that I was important to him - I kept asking the same questions. He tried I think very hard to ease my insecurities.

If a man cannot stay loyal to you, walk. If he holds a set of principles like Ivan, no matter what you do (or don't do), he will not stay loyal to you. A leopard cannot change its spots. And rightfully it should not. One should only be true to himself/herself. Even if he/she changes for you, there is no sustainability because there will always be a "one over you". One should only change for himself/herself. Love, contrary to popular belief, is really not everything. If he does not share the same set of principles, the relationship is doomed from the start.

One thing ironically, when I look back retrospectively, I no longer question Ivan's love for me. I know in his own way, he did. As much as he could love. And I was not emotionally strong enough to be in a relationship with anyone at that time. I couldn't sort myself out, drowning in my own emotions, not understanding, always wanting someone else (him) to make me happy. Which he couldn't, as he had his own set of problems to deal with. I guess I was really emotionally draining. And after some time, he really had enough.

Ivan left me eventually. I kept calling / texting (stalker!). One day he said okay, come over. And he wanted me to see what he was doing - in bed with another woman. And he showed me how heartless he can be, in all his glory. Android was there to witness my humiliation, and deflected Ivan's rampage.

I really wanted to die that day. I never thought anyone could be so cruel. It took me many many years to get over the anger and self beating because of Ivan.

My ex hubby, was an unfortunate consequence of Ivan. Throughout the years I continued to pine for Ivan, I felt embarassed, I felt angry, I hated, I loved and the cycle began again. One thing that remained constant was I continued to pine for him. Something that I lost and wanted to regain.

Ivan once said he would be around so long as I continued to need him. I saw him sporadically over the years, whenever he felt I was emotionally strong enough to do so. Then he disappears again. He says he would always watch from the shadows. Whether he did or not, I would never know.

The last time I saw Ivan, was about 1.5 years ago (that's about 7 years since we started dating). I think that meeting was the turning point. Ivan came to see me because I told him how much I hated him, how angry I was, and how much I wanted to beat him up (lol anger talking okay). He came to the appointed time and place. And there he sat, he said "beat me up if that is what you want to do".

When I saw him, I was disgusted looking at him - with his arrogance and unkemptness, I thought he looked pathetic and wtf was I thinking being in love with a jackass like that? I didn't beat him up of course, I doubt he believed I truly would.

He said to me then "after this, what you will feel is something great". I had no idea what he meant then ... But he was right. Because that meeting was the turning point of what I felt for him. I learnt to forgive, and to finally let him go. It no longer hurt, even deep inside. No more anger. Eventually, finally, I forgave him, for me.

One thing that everybody would probably tell me how much of a loony I am is how much I continue to believe in Ivan, that I still do love and care about him, albeit in another way. Everyone believed he used me, perhaps in a way, he did. But beneath his arrogance and attitude - he really took time out to care and to really teach me many things - skills that I needed for me to function in society. Something he never needed to do. A side of him few ever saw.

Ivan loved me, from the bottom of my heart, I always believed he did. And ultimately I am grateful to him for he taught me how to be strong. ^ ^

It's been many years, and only recently I have started to open my heart again. The fear of letting someone into my heart and life is literally, crippling. I trusted few people enough to even share a part of my life with them, always preferring to be the solitary wolf - like Ivan.

The experience gave me the much needed time alone to fully understand and to accept myself. No experience is a waste so long as one learns from it. And I have learnt, though it took such a long time.

Let your past go, for life is about looking forward. How are you able to travel your path, if you cannot see what is in front of you? How would you know which path to take, if you do not know yourself? Life is a journey alone, there will always be people who comes and goes in your life. Embrace that fact and stop fearing! Why worry about things you cannot change?

*follow your heart*

Tokyo

2010-12-01T16:57:00.000+08:00

My trip to Tokyo has been cancelled.

Possibility of flight ticket burnt = high.

Loads of reasons.

Don't want to talk about it....

*sighs*

Just tried to blog..

2010-11-30T12:09:00.000+08:00

Again about Ivan.

I do not know why I am having such a difficult time writing about him. Rather than being able to quickly express my thoughts and feelings of what we went through together, I am trying to piece together "facts" that transpired between us. All that I managed sounds really lame and pathetic even to me.

I think emotions play a huge role (or lack of in this case?). For me, writing is an expression of my emotions, thoughts and soul. With all 3 ingredients. The writings, the ability to express our journey together should have been intense, considering all that I have gone through with him. I do not think I have loved anyone more than I loved Ivan. Though it is pretty much in the past tense now, it shouldn't be so difficult no? Yet, all that I have written sounds so... half-hearted. And I will not post something that I do not believe in passionately.

So many things have happened between me and Ivan, we are no longer in touch.

I just wonder why? I hope I get out of this blogger's rut soon.

New Phrase

2010-11-23T15:00:00.001+08:00

I learnt a new "saying" today.

Cover the face, bang the base.

Thought I would share.

*chuckles*

**Update**
I have been corrected. It should be:

Cover the face, fire the base.

Life's Lessons - Acceptance

2010-11-22T10:56:00.000+08:00

It's sad isn't it?

The one person you want to care - does not.

The irony of life.

But one you must learn to accept.

Life's Lessons - My Struggle with Anorexia Nervosa (SS5)

2010-11-19T15:22:00.001+08:00

Not many people know this, but I had during one period of my life battled with Anorexia Nervosa. I am sure everyone knows what this is by now. But if you do not know you can read more about it here.

A lot of people really do not understand why someone would do this to themselves? Most of them probably think it is due to cosmetic reasons taken too far.

That is merely the tip of the iceberg. I will not speak for people who too had any point in their lives battled eating disorders. For me, wanting to look beautiful may be the excuse that I gave myself to stop eating, but the root of the problem wasn't that. I had problems with my sense of self and confidence almost all of my life. Self love and confidence - I have only understood that in recent years.

In fact, I was a bully in primary school. I remember that very clearly. I remember the children naturally gravitated towards me initially, wanting to be my friend. Reason? I have no idea. I remember always trying to exert my will on others, and those with a more compromising (softer) character would usually hang around me. I am not proud of that, in fact very ashamed that it happened when I realised what a horrid character I was as I was growing up. I never apologised to the people I bullied, I just pretended that it never happened. Some of them remain my friends to this day. One day, I will gather enough courage and properly apologise to these same people. And with that, I hope I find peace in this lapse in my character.

Bullies are not born, they are made. I take responsibility of course. It shows a true weakness of character. Being young was not an excuse. One day I will share more on these emotional problems that I had, but not today.

I am sharing that just to give an illustration on why I truly did not like myself. Because that was just it, the reason why I developed anorexia. I hated myself, in many many ways. I lacked control in a lot of things, but the one thing I could control was how I looked.

I was considered rather "big" whilst I was in secondary school. I am 1.72m tall, so naturally I was big in build "caucasian size". Next to my petite friends, I looked much bigger than I truly was.

I developed an eating disorder right after SPM. A lot occured at that time, there was a prom to look forward to and I didn't have a date. Developed a crush on a guy who was into this hot looking chick with a beautiful body. Grandfather had a stroke, and was in ICU. At that time our family was going thru a lot, I will not mention what else here.

I was struggling with my weight issues as well, I had very low self confidence. I was constantly told that I was fat and ugly etc by people. One of the more impactful statement made to me was by this friend, who was REALLY REALLY fat. She told me "I don't feel so fat next to you".

*horrors*

LOL.

Needless to say, at that time, I was emotionally a wreak. I hated myself and despaired of ever being loved by anyone.

It started harmlessly enough. I just started eating less gradually so that I can lose some weight and "fit into that prom dress". Then I started eating even less... so that I could look "hot". I remember at one point I was actually only taking a few scoops of Sara Lee chocolate ice cream (it's delicious though) a day whenever I felt hungry. Eventually, I stopped eating altogether, surviving only on water and liquid.

Your first reaction (since I was so young at that time) is probably where were my family at that time? Did they not do something about it? As mentioned earlier, my grandpa just had a stroke at that time and my entire family was focused on him. We had some other troubles in the family which I will not go into here.

That's how I got away with it really, the not eating and nobody noticing. I was also hiding my body under big clothes. I was so happy with the way things were going, I was losing a lot of weight and I was starting to look good...

One day I tried on this dress in my room that I couldn't fit into for a long time... And logically I shouldn't have been able to fit into it, because I had grown up! Remember, I was only 17-18 at that time. But I did. I was very proud of how I looked, and was busy admiring my very "slender" body in the mirror.

My dad sauntered into my room at that moment and suddenly he got a major shock.

"WHY ARE U SO THIN!?!" he asked.

I can't recall what I replied. He was so angry!

I think that's like a short time after I totally stopped eating. I cannot remember for exactly how long, a couple of weeks probably. The weight loss was drastic - I lost 14 kgs in a couple of weeks. I was not yet at a critical stage, but I already started looking gaunt due to the lack of nutrition. My dad started observing me closely after that. In hindsight I feel really sorry that I was put him through that. He really had enough on his plate at that time. He must have felt totally devastated to see his child literally starving herself to death and yet at the same time having to hold the entire family together. Yet he turned all of his focus on me, and made sure I started eating again, force feeding me whenever it became necessary.

Most people probably do not realise, how really hard it was to start eating again once you stop. Your body will automatically reject food. Every time you put food in your mouth, you feel really sick. And when you try to swallow you feel like you need to throw it up again. I was not bullimic, it was just a physical reaction because you feel nauseous. After one stops eating, you really hate the smell and taste of food.

I totally do not recommend this way to lose weight... Trust me, the end result and the process you have to go through in order to save yourself is just not worth it.

I was not anorexic for a long time, but to be totally "cured" took a very very long time. After a year or so... I started to eat somewhat normally again. I ate to live, and did not enjoy my food. Each meal was torture and I ate only because I knew I had to. Up till the time I was in university I still battled my eating disorders. I was skinny mostly. At one point in univeristy I weighed only 51-53kgs. I fit into UK size 8 clothes, and loosely. FYI for someone of my height and build my ideal weight should be between 61-64 kgs. The doctor was concerned in fact - tried to prescribe some anti-depressents to me. LOL. I assured him I wasn't depressed (that was a lie, but it's a long story :P).

I had a series of health problems whilst in university - heart palpitations, stomach problems, at one point I even lost control of my limbs. Results were unclear on why it even happened, but I believe now that it could very well have stemmed from my depression and eating disorder.

I only learnt to enjoy food again many many years later... I can only safely say I stopped battling eating disorders only after a decade. I still go on my diets, but I never scrimp on portions! hehe! And only for health reasons...

So remember - IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

"Made in China"?

2010-11-18T15:47:00.000+08:00

I bought my glasses sometime in early 2009.

By Feb 2010 one side of the logo fell out. By March 2010 both sides has dropped. I mean wtf??? So poorly done??

Me being such a procastinator, I lived with it for months before I sent it back to the Optical shop to have it repaired.

I just got it back, I think they changed the entire frame! Which is wonderful news for me, considering how many times I sat on my glasses previously.

hehe.

My recent emo posts...

2010-11-18T15:21:00.000+08:00

Just wanted to "explain" my recent emo posts.

My dad was hospitalised on Sunday and had just been discharged today.

He is okay now, I am once again at ease.

:)

Mate for Me - Mutiple Personalities

2010-11-18T15:13:00.000+08:00

Hey someone just suggested this...

That I ought to find a mate with multiple personalities. I think it's a fantastic idea! That way I would totally find him interesting like FOREVER!! kekekeke!!

Though the challenge probably lies in getting ALL of the personalities to actually fall in love with me! Otherwise I may be required to move in and out of our home!! kekeke!! So what are the chances of that happening??

But hor, I really think it's an interesting thought.

p/s: In fact I always suspected Ivan has multiple personalities! Hence he was ever so interesting to me!

Life's Lessons - Sincerity and Trust

2010-11-16T19:37:00.002+08:00

Do not do unto others what you do not want done unto you.

Love truly and have sincerity in everything that you say or do.

Even if others treat everything as a "game", you should not. Be true to yourself. Let not what others do change your principles.

Just tried to blog..

2010-11-16T12:23:00.000+08:00

About Ivan.

But I am too distracted and my heart is not in it. Ironically I was trying to blog to distract myself from my anxiety.

I give up.

So I shall leave it for another day...

Think I need a gardenful of sunflowers instead.

Something to brighten up the day

2010-11-16T10:06:00.000+08:00

I have not felt so anxious and insecure for the longest time. But its not something that I want to talk about at this point in time.

But as with everything that has happened in my life, I know that life is a learning process and my emotional strength will continue to grow.

I love sunflowers - so I shall post one here in hope that it would brighten up my day, and if you are reading this, yours as well. :)

p/s: Hey, I have blogged the highest number of posts that I ever did in a single year! ;) *pat on back*

Sorry that I loved you - 对不起，我爱过你 (Anthony 倪安东)

2010-11-15T12:33:00.001+08:00

This song makes me think of Ivan. I briefly mentioned Ivan when I blogged about Android. Wonder how different it would have been had I met him at a later stage in life.

I saw a side of him that made me love him truly and deeply. Everyone tells me I was crazy and deceived. Even him. I will blog about him one day, he changed a lot of things in my life.

Whoever you once loved, you will always love. The love may change its shape, but it will always be there.

In the meantime, just want to share the lyrics of this song. :)

For all of the time that I tried for your smile

For making you think that I was worth the while
So your love love love love love would be mine

For sending you flowers and holding your hand
But no one was there to take a stand
But then love love love made us blind

* And I am so sorry that I hurt you
   Sorry that I fell through
   Sorry that I was falling in love with you
   I am sorry that it came true
   But sorry doesn’t turn back time

   For all that I have done to you
   Now I wish I could make it right
   So sorry that I loved you
   Sorry that I needed you
   Sorry that I held you tight

And I am so sorry for…
Making you love me and saying goodbye
For being the one who taught you how to cry
It was love love love and it passed us by

For giving you everything that you dreamed
For taking it back when I fled the scene
Sorry love for wasting your time

Repeat *

An apology now after all this time
Won’t make any difference tonight
But I am hoping I am sorry would open your mind
To love love love love in your life

Yeah…

Repeat *

Today I Feel...

2010-11-12T15:13:00.000+08:00

Women and Me (SS4)

2010-11-11T14:11:00.000+08:00

I won't be talking about the women from my family (and godknows how many of them there are) in this post.

People who have known me long would probably know that I rarely get close to females. Women are by nature rather sensitive creatures, and I am as sensitive to their feelings as an ox. I fear women actually! LOL! It is much easier to get on their bad side without realising it more often than not...

I remember I had been "close" to many females when in primary school, but I do not have anyone I truly got close to. I think I was quite a bully in primary school! Bullies are usually a by-product of a troubled childhood, but I won't go into that.

I would like to talk about the women whom I met in my (short) lifetime and who had made an impact in my life.

May

I was close to May when I was in lower secondary school. I remember we spent a lot of time together, in school and out of it. I was a frequent visitor in her house, and she brought me along each time her family went to their "club" - we would go swimming and we would play golf! (I never quite appreciated the game really).

We had fun together, a lot.

But suddenly one day, she stopped talking to me. Everytime I tried to talk to her, she made some excuse and distanced herself from me. I was perplexed, did I do something wrong?? Was she angry at me? All these questions pounded in my head.

I gathered enough courage to confront her one day. Her answer? "My grandmother told me I should not be friends with you." I was like WTF??? WHY??? "Because my grandmother said you 命带桃花 and will not be good for me". For those who cannot read chinese, the best I can describe is that it means that I have a fate to have alot of men in my life and that I will be unaccountably and undeniably attractive to them.

I was 13 and her grandmother told her to stay away from me because of that? I still do not understand to this day, how this can impact May even if it was true. Perhaps the grandmother felt I would "steal away" all the men that appears in her life? I was 13!!!!!!!

I was really disappointed. May was adamant that she would listen to her grandmother and never spoke to me again after that.

I stayed away from being close to another girl for a while after that...

Precious

I became friends with Precious when I was 16. We were in the same class in school and hung out in the same "group".

When we started college, i dated Twine and Precious started dating one of his best friends, Jin. We naturally drifted closer to each other at that time. We used to spend a lot of time together, even after we both went to UK to study (different shires). We visited each other often.

I remember Precious left to the UK first, Twine, Jin and I went to send her off at the airport. Gosh, I was totally bawling my eyes out, and I remember she was comforting me! LOL! You may think what's the big deal right? Except that I usually I am the one perceived as the strong one... I think she really didn't expect me to do that. Twine too of course, both were probably loss for words!

I think she was the first woman that I truly, truly loved who wasn't family.

Of all the women in my life, I think Precious is the only one that has remained constant and we remain affectionate and true to each other. We have had our fair share of disagreements and quarrels, but she had never, ever done anything that made me lose faith in our friendship. Perhaps sharing the same principles in life helped?

Though time has distanced our affections for each other, I believe it is still there. I still see her, but infrequently as she no longer lives in this country.

*kisses*

Dee

I met Dee whilst studying in university. The story is long and is racked with heartache, betrayal and disappointment.

Because of her I found it exceedingly difficult to open my heart to another girl.

So I shall talk about her another time.

*p/s LOL, I remember telling Des to stop wearing caps because she reminded me of Dee because of it. LOL. She never wore a cap in my presence again after that. ;) So sweet!!

Jux

I also met Jux in university. She was the one who was there for me when Dee totally broke my heart. It was she who got me a job when I was broke and needed one, and the one who made me food when I couldn't afford my own.

Jux was a very giving person, and always helped whenever she could. She was the person who constantly and persistently remained at my side during the trials and turbulations of my life in UK. When I needed someone, she was there, holding my hand.

The times I remember happiest spending with her was when we were still studying in the UK.

Things changed when Jux came home and started working.

Perhaps it is the trials and stresses of life that she is unable to cope with. She became bitter and depressed, and always lashed out at me - shouting and screaming, as if it were her due. She was like Jekyll and Hyde, nice one moment and such a monster the next. I tried for many years to be her friend as she had been for me when I was in the UK.

I started having doubts about the sincerity of my affections for Jux a while back but I continued to endure because I was grateful for her giving nature when I needed someone most.

I think it boils down to the fact that I do not actually see eye to eye with her about most things. Different priorities and principles in life.
One day, I just had enough and realised I do not actually like her as a person at all. I found her to be arrogant, judgmental and looks down on people who she deems "beneath" her. I found that truly unacceptable. She has her good points of course, but I think the very qualities I deem important in a person does not seem to form a part of her.

So I chose to walk away. That took a lot of strength, it is never easy to walk away from someone you feel indebted to and I felt a lot of guilt, but I am relieved it is finally done. I guess what made it so much easier was the fact that she left to work in another country.

Unfortunately when it came down to it - a choice between my happiness and Jux's - I chose mine. I continue to pray for her happiness and well being.

I briefly blogged about my frustrations with her here, here, here and then here.

Gosh, I just realised how long this had been brewing! Since 2006!!
There you have it - just some of the women who briefly touched my life.

Advertorial: Teacher for children with special needs required!

2010-11-10T11:33:00.001+08:00

I have posted this before some time ago here. The centre opened its doors on 11 October 2010 and is now up and running. I took the liberty of enclosing some pictures of the centre prior to it being opened.

The centre of learning is dedicated to help children with special needs such as dyslexia, hyperactivity, ADHD, autism, slow learners, amongst others. Education in centres such as these gives the children a chance to live a "normal" life by being taught life skills and to be equipped in order for them to blend into society.

The centre is located in Bachang, Malacca.

The centre needs more teachers with the following credentials in order to cater to the needs of the community of children with special needs who are placed on a waiting list due to the lack of teachers:

1) Proficient in English

2) Degree holder is preferred but not mandatory

3) Full time positions only as dedication is vital

4) Domiciled or willing to be relocated to Malacca

In house training will be provided for the teaching positions. A position for an Admin cum Accounts Executive is also currently available.

Please contact Alvin Tan at the details below if you are interested:

Contact No: 016231312 / 0177436183

Email: alvintan@kits4kids.org

If you can, please help spread this message! Thank you!!

Life's Lessons - Learning emotional strength (SS3)

2010-11-09T19:48:00.002+08:00

I am suddenly inspired to blog from a conversation I was having with a net friend.

A couple of days ago an old friend suddenly messaged me on msn and said "I want to be like you". A woman who seemingly has everything saying that to me? Married with a child, and a successful career? Making so much $$$? I was flabbergasted. I asked her what she meant. She said "you are always so cheerful".

Then I realised, how long a way I have come from the morose, depressed person that I was almost all my life. Friends from the past frequently make remarks such as "what is the problem now". LOL. I reckon I was pretty problematic and was walking around with a dark cloud hanging over my head! (probably with thunder and lightning striking the top of my head too).

I remember when I was 15, Ash, whose mother was dying from cancer said to me (I rephrased as I do not recall the exact words, but this is essentially what he said to me) - "Why do you wear sorrow on your face like the world owes it to you? You cannot always be like this, you must smile to the world though you weep inside." I felt hurt when he said that, but in the eyes of the person that I am now, it makes perfect sense. He was very matured emotionally for his age.

Ash isn't always known for being benevolent and matured. In fact, there had been many times in life that one could not help but want to strangle him to death! But he was a constant source of inspiration for me in life. He represents strength to me - I did on occasion, especially during setbacks in life turn to him to guide me on what to do in order to be strong. He has strong faith in his religion, which I suppose is where he draws his strength from most.

TT, a friend from Uni, reminded me of Ash. He too has strong faith in his religion, and never hesitated in lending me his emotional strength when I needed it most. He sought me out after Yield and Vine (you can read about them here), probably because he sensed I needed help.

There are many other people that held my hand to lead me, and offered a shoulder when I needed it most. I am very blessed and appreciate that greatly. I remember each one of you, however brief in my life, very very clearly! Some touched my heart a lot more than others. But all of you did make a difference to my life!

And I remember once I was very rude to my mother whilst I was overseas, I cannot remember when that is anymore - either whilst I was still studying in UK or working in Guangzhou. Likely the latter. It seems that it is the norm for me to lose my temper at my family whenever I was displeased, whether the crux of the matter concerns them or not. I am totally mortified that I behaved that way, but nothing is ever too late. Repent!

Obviously I felt guilty about that later, so texted her to apologise. Instead of anger, which I expected from my tempermental mom (I love you anyway! *kisses*), my mom said "Learn to love yourself, for you will not able to love others otherwise". I felt quite offended at that point, how could she say I do not love others? I did!!! Or didn't I?

Only in hindsight could I answer the question objectively and with clarity.

I did not know what love was at all. I am not saying I do now, but it surely ain't the way I perceived it to be then!

Des came into my life only recently. Her persistence and resilience in "earning" my genuine affections are commendable. I was difficult even at my best. She is truly, a gentle and kind person.

Combined, I think every "actor" in my life had made me a more pliant, and kinder person.

I have learnt a lot from life, and I continue to learn from life's lessons. I would like to share some of what I have learnt:

i learnt to accept me as me, to accept my good as well as the bad
i learnt its okay to not be perfect, it is okay to make mistakes, even over and over again. it is those imperfections that make you, you
i learnt that nobody can love you if you do not first love yourself, so i learnt to understand i should be the most important person in my life. i learnt to love me
i learnt to be thankful for what i have, and not yearn for what i do not
i learnt that to be truly happy, one must first love truly and without reservation or expectations
i learnt that it is okay for you to chase after your dreams even if everyone else thinks its crazy
i learnt that what is right and wrong, depends on the angle you are looking from
i learnt that the only thing constant in life is change (okay I definitely picked this up from somewhere), so i learnt to look back at my past, smile and move on
i learnt that you cannot change peoples' mind about you once it is made up, and with people who does matter, there is no need for you to try. respect others, agree to disagree
i learnt that there is no need to worry whether others love you - if they do, they do. if they don't, there is very little you can do about it. therefore, it should not serve as a hindrance for you to love them. if their love is pre-requisite to your love, you must rethink your priorities
i learnt that most people do things out of habit, even the people they "hang out" with are a result of that. it is okay to move on, even if that person once meant a lot to you. remember with fondness and appreciation, but remember that no one around you should get you down. Walk away.
i learnt that life is a stage, and you are constantly "live on stage". there are no second chances, so live life to the fullest, and let there be no regrets!
i learnt that the most important people in your life, are the ones you take for granted most. i learnt that this is a weakness i have and i still am striving to change
i learnt that bad attitude gets you nowhere, whereas a few kind words could get you to places you have never known you could
i learnt that not everyone is as blessed as you are, even if you do not think so! So stop looking above you, take some time to look at those beneath you! Learn compassion.
And most importantly, i learnt to have faith. everything happens for a reason, and usually for the better. never lose faith in life, or love.

I can just go on and on forever. But I will probably need to publish a book instead. LOL. So I shall stop here.

I still do not know where I am heading in this life, but I certainly do look forward to it! Life has turned out to be pretty interesting thus far! ;)

For the first time in my life, I feel truly at peace with myself. I pray that everyone would find their inner peace. Love thyself, for the world may not love you!

Karma ("Pou Ying")

2010-11-08T17:13:00.000+08:00

It just struck me how karma comes and bite you in the arse without you realising it has happened!!

Many many years ago when I first started dating, I always dated men who are either non-chinese or they are so banana-ish they can't be regarded as one.

This is one opinion that I violently disagreed with my dad, who thinks that I should date traditional chinese men.

I remember one time we had a big fight, and I literally shouted "I HATE CHINAMEN!! I WON'T DATE ONE!!".

LOL. Be careful of what you say, and the things you condemn. BECAUSE my dear friends, it will come and bite you in the arse!

I am now stuck between wanting to laugh and to cry for the irony of it.

Yes, I seem to be attracted to a chinaman. With all the attributes glorious to a chinaman. OMG.

I.swear.I.won't.talk.about.chinamen.again.

Help.