Finding Love Again?

I feel like a schoolgirl again. Shy, insecure and nervous around him. I should feel embarrassed considering my age. But I do not. ^^ Can’t help it, he is totally my type! Physically of course, and for the first time in my life, he is of the correct “genre” (for what of a better word) as well! He is someone that I will not feel afraid to bring home and introduce to my family. And someone whom I know I won’t be embarrassed about or to have to lie to other people about. I think I have done that too frequently in the past (sometimes by choice, sometimes because I would probably receive some screeching later if I did not lie).

There are pros and cons to this of course.

Pros:
1) I know I am “normal” again emotionally, being able to feel attraction after what seems like a million years
2) (And physically too ahemz)
3) I like the fluttering of my heart whenever I see him
4) A simple smile or a hello makes me feel happy
5) I look forward to seeing him even if it is just a passing hello or bye
6) I like being able to feel that I miss someone
7) I want to be attractive and sexy for him (hehe ok I haven’t quite put into action this part but at least I can feel it!!)
8) I want to do the right thing! I do not feel the need to rely on other people (or choose others) because I am pining for him. Sign that I have matured emotionally?
9) Seems to be a sign that I am over anger and distrust because of a certain member of the opposite sex
10) Seems to be a sign that I am over my guilt for having done what I should not have? He has found a new love afterall!

Cons:
1) I am no longer a schoolgirl
2) I don’t feel too attractive
3) He is not exactly available
4) And I will rather die than to make the first move
5) Bad idea to shit and eat in the same place

So this shall be my secret crush. ^^ Shhhh. I think I do well enough covering it up. Though one person has noticed the crush. Awww! *sticks head in sand* (shyyyyyyyy) hehe.

Some mistakes in life are very costly. Never EVER compromise! Some people grow up emotionally faster than others. Especially in the matter of choosing a life partner. It took 7 years for my heart to thaw.

I just pray and pray that I will be given another chance to find happiness. After 7 years, surely I can be given a second chance to love?

Rant & Rave

I just can't believe some people can be so stupid!!!!!!!!

*Breathe breathe*

Its none of my business anymore.

Moving On

It hurts, but sometimes we must recognise that things have changed and move on.

How far would you compromise in order to keep a relationship alive? You keep quiet though you totally disagree with what he/she does or says? You accept whatever he/she dishes out though it hurts you? Just so that there won't be a fight?

I think everyone should have a limit on what they want or don't want in a relationship. And at some point, you must recognise that things have really changed and it is time to move on... No point keeping a "relationship" that is based on memories alive. No, not eliminate the relationship altogether but to accept the change in its form.

I am happy, at least that person was once very important to me, as I was to him/her. But nothing in this world can remain stagnant, not even fond memories as they fade further and further into the past.

Oh well, at least I have regained my emotions. I do know how to feel hurt! tee hee hee. Every cloud has a silver lining.

When your heart is open, you will no longer be stuck in the past. Cherish the old, but savour the new!

:)

Looking for something?

I had a really odd dream last night...

The dream seemingly started with me being at work, and I requested my colleague to obtain certain information quickly. Unfortunately she failed to do so on a timely basis and when the "big boss" requested for the info I was unable to produce it for him and hence was shouted at. I just smiled, apologized and took the verbal agony. He later apologized for shouting though.

Later in the dream there was this guy I am supposedly in love with (he isn't anyone I know in real life), he started and ran a restaurant, fine dining. The big boss seems to be an investor in his restaurant... Along the way after having obtained some info (god knows what and where from) he decided to shut the restaurant down. I objected to the decision but did not verbalise the opinion - since it was not sought after.

For one reason or the other my opinion was sought, but only after the restaurant had been closed down - after which I vocalised my opinion. He was upset that I did not vocalise it earlier. And under a lot of stress, he approached the big boss to seek help in starting the restaurant again. I disagreed that this is a correct approach (the big boss concurred). It will look fairly silly to so quickly change your mind after a decision (which everyone will assume is a calculated one). And suggested planning a different "project" instead.

Then the weird part started (the dream)...

The guy and I we were looking for something. I was digging in cars filled to the brim with sand, soft like those you find on the beach. We went to many places looking and looking and looking... But up till the point I woke up, I have yet to find what I was looking for.

You know they say that dreams are actually manifestations of the subconcious?

Perhaps that is the reason I feel a little low right now, because if it is true that dreams are manifestations of my subconcious:

1) I do not know what I am looking for
2) I do want someone to be with me (though awake I seem to be allergic to men!)
3) I do not trust my colleague to back me up with expected help properly done
4) I suffer verbal abuse so frequently I am totally numbed
5) I haven't found what I am looking for

I certainly hope not. ^^ But I comfort myself to remember this - I may not have found what I am looking for, or even know what I am looking for ... I have however removed myself from situations I do not want to be in and for that I am grateful. At present in the concious mind, I feel happy and content.

Perhaps my subconcious is merely trying to remind myself that there is more to life and I should not be too contented and start letting my heart be free again! Free to love, free to fret, free to long, free to want something more!

Sounds like a good plan :)

Hong Kong in Pictures 2 - The Food

Found some pretty good food along the way, usually too hungry to remember to take pictures before eating hence the half eaten food. Hehe.

Hong Kong in Pictures 1 - Random pics

Yes I am back from Hong Kong! It was a good trip, I bought everything I set out to buy! Didn't take any scenic pictures (ok that's a lie I think I took one) in Hong Kong since it was predominantly a shopping trip. Just some random having fun pictures. Here you go:

Kota Kinabalu in Pictures - The Nature Trail in Kinabalu Park

Poor mom had a hard time, but it was really fun! :)

Kota Kinabalu in Pictures - The Orchids

Didn't take many as most are pretty commonly seen in Malaysia and I was running out of memory space ... hehe ... Sorry to the Orchid lovers!

Kota Kinabalu in Pictures - The Wild Mushrooms

Just some random mushrooms I saw at the nature trail in Kinabalu Park. No clue what species.

Kota Kinabalu in Pictures - The Wild Fruits

Looks like strawberry, but apparently it is not.

They call this the "petrol fruit". Very flameable, not to be eaten!! (for obvious reasons)

Jungle berries - edible when matured (the black ones). Taste quite pleasant actually, sweet with a slight citrus tang. Don't know whether this was the cause but I actually had pretty bad diarrhoea for a day after eating one. Potent. @.@


Wild berries - toxic.

Jungle banana - one mat salleh tasted it, quite tasteless apparently. Has a lot of seeds.

Kota Kinabalu in Pictures - The Scenery

Mixture of Kinabalu Park, Poring Springs, Kota Kinabalu (the City). Beautiful.

Michael Jackson - His Death (Scene 2: Excerpts from My Diary)

If you haven't already, please read Scene 1 first. You can read it here. In this post, I have detailed some key events from my daily routine from June 25th (day before Michael Jackson died) to July 8th (completion of his memorial service).

June 25th, 2009

A.M. Crazy day in the office, preparation to send Investment Committee Meeting Notice to all Investment Committee Members.

P.M. Left work around 9 p.m. Felt really uneasy driving home, right eye was twitching. Call me superstitious but I was really worried and prayed nothing was wrong. The last time my right eye twitched I did a big boo boo at work.

June 26th, 2009

A.M. Woke up late, feeling uneasy still. Muttered a short prayer in hope I have not made any big boo boo that could cost me my job. Reached the office approximately 9.15 a.m., got into the elevator. A guy who works on the 9th floor told me that MJ has died. I opened my eyes in surprise, and asked him how he died. He didn't know. I unconcernedly said I will google about it later. Got in to the office and was absorbed with work as usual. Totally forgot to google about MJ's death.

P.M. Went to see Transformers with a friend @ Cineleisure. Such a fabulous movie, loved it.

June 27th, 2009

A.M. Woke up late, was supposed to go see the skin doctor. Texted my cousin to see whether she wanted to go to the gym instead, since we were supposed to watch Blood (a movie) @ The Summit Subang anyway. Received a confirmation from her around 10.30 a.m. so picked her up and off to breakfast then the gym (had personal training @ 12 noon).

P.M. Reached the Summit, had lunch and then queued up 1.5 hours just to get our movie tickets. And it was such a crappy + lame movie. Gosh! But it was a good day spent just catching up with her.

June 28th, 2009

Spent the whole day with family, bracing myself for the tough week ahead @ work.

June 29th, 2009

Crazy day in the office, preparation to send Investment Brief to Investment Committee Members (via email first). Left work almost 12 midnight.

June 30th, 2009

Crazy day in the office, preparation of Investment Brief for all Investment Committee Members. Preparation for all documentation in anticipation of affirmative Investment Committee Decision to call for EGM and to make capital call.

July 1st, 2009

Crazy day in the office, last minute changes for Investment Brief. Started listening to MJ's songs.
Pretty impersonal emotions wise.

July 2nd, 2009

Crazy day in the office, the much awaited Investment Committee Meeting! Reached an affirmative decision, notice to EGM sent! Capital call to be delayed. Still listening to MJ's songs. Thought what a sad time it was for the world to have lost such a great talent.

July 3rd, 2009

A.M. Another crazy day in the office in preparation of partners' trip to the US - incorporation of SPV & NewCo. Handled influx of queries from investors. Watched (and listened to) MJ's MVs.

P.M. All documents signed. Started reading up on MJ's death. Started feeling really sad about his passing. Partners safely on flight enroute to NY. Hung out with a friend after gym.

July 4th, 2009

A.M. Hung out with parents. Bought some MJ momentos - CDs, DVDs, even a magazine issued as tribute to him.

P.M. Emotions fluctuating. Couldn't quite pin point what I was feeling. Shock seemed to set in.

July 5th, 2009

A.M. Woke up totally depressed and really felt like being alone. Texted J to let her know (supposed to go for Jap class).

P.M. Hung out all day with family. Very distracted and sad. Was really quiet. Spent most of the day on the internet watching MJ's "Living with Michael Jackson" interviews (conducted by Bashir sometime in 2003) and the rebuttal videos later. Felt really angry and sorry for MJ. First few drop of tears flowed when I got home and watched MJ's "Earth Song" MV.

July 6th, 2009

A.M. Woke up pretty okay, went to the bank. Listened to MJ's songs on the way to the office. Suddenly felt a stab to the heart. It is confirmed - I was heartbroken. There was a void in the heart. Was fidgety all day.

P.M. Went to the gym to ease frustration. Tried to force some tears out whilst listening to MJ's songs on the way home (andwatching MJ's MVs at home later that night). Failed. Felt frustrated. Texted an ex-bf that I once cared for deeply - please make me cry! It hurts not being able to! He texts back - he is in London (not that I think he could really succeed but hell I really was THAT desperate).

July 7th, 2009

A.M. Couldn't shake off the feeling of being rather depressed. Heart ached, couldn't cry. Learnt that the memorial was 1 a.m. July 8th, 2009. Went for lunch alone. Listened to more MJ songs. Suddenly broke out in flux of tears on the way back to the office. The tears were not satisfying. Couldn't completely cry it out.

P.M. Concerned friends tried to console me. But all I wanted to be was to be left alone. I shut myself up in my room waiting for MJ's memorial to begin.

July 8th, 2009

1 A.M. to 4 A.M. Watched the memorial. Needless to say, a lot of tears fell. Still in a state of shock, I cannot believe he has left us. A deep cut remains in my heart.

P.M. Had a chat with a friend who helped me sieve through my confused emotions. Felt compelled (and encouraged) to write this post.


~Here ends Scene 2~

Michael Jackson - His Death (Scene 1: Introduction)

It has been a really trying two weeks for all Michael Jackson fans. From the time his death was formally announced on television by his brother, Jermaine Jackson, up till the completion of his memorial service which was held in Los Angeles between 1 to 4 a.m. Malaysian time on 8th July 2009.

I had never been a hard core fan of any singer / musician / band except in passing fancy (ok maybe even obsession). From what I could remember of Michael, I remember as a teenager I always watched his MVs - starting with Billie Jean, Thriller, Beat It, We Are the World, Bad, Black or White, Earth Song, etc ... We bought his albums, we sang, we danced.

He was such a wonderful performer. Everyone knew his name, knew his songs, knew his moves. If you didn't know Michael Jackson then, you must have been living underneath some coconut shell. We all belonged in the era where Michael Jackson took us to new musical heights, he was THE ONE, he was (and still is) the King of Pop. Everyone was fascinated with everything that he had to offer.

I just have to do this post. Maybe in my own way trying to reconcile my own jumbled up emotions. It is really hard for me to explain. I grew up wearing emotions on my sleeve, I was an open book for all to read. Many years has lapsed since then. My heart was broken one time too many, some times worse than others. I ranted, I raved, I was angry, I was hurt and finally I hated. And eventually, I felt nothing. What has this got to do with Michael Jackson's death, you would ask. This post is really about the impact Michael Jackson's death had on me, not a tribute that most fans wrote in their blogs. It is about me reflecting upon his death, trying to relate to him as a human being, trying to understand why it has affected me so.

I figured the best way to start off will be through extracting key events that occured from the day before he passed on up till his memorial. This will give you my typical day in the office and when I started being affected my Michael's. I hope eventually I am able to rationalise my emotions, why, when, how, what should I do and hopefully to reach a conclusion and a closure of what I am beginning to worry to be another instability of emotions on my part.

I think this will likely to end in several posts due to time constraint. But please bear with me, I am trying to bare my soul. I do not know if I am able to succeed given the restraint I have subjected myself to and the shield I have built up for so many years.


~Here ends Scene 1~